Into The Dark 2: What is darkness?

This post continues from where this one left off. I am very grateful for the comments that post received which  gave me lots of philosophical and psychological directions to explore in future posts. But it seemed logical to start by describing what I mean by darkness.

Some people associate darkness with all things bad and evil. I don’t. I do however think there can be dangers and bad things lurking in the dark and creeping in the shadows, but that unless you are prepared to confront those things you are going to miss out on much of the beauty and many of the lessons that life has to offer.

Even as a child I loved the night-time. I remember as a small girl sometimes creeping out into the garden at night. All the familiar things of the daytime took on dark, shadowy forms. There were strange sounds and movements everywhere. Yes, it could be frightening, but it was also exciting and magical. Sometimes I saw hedgehogs scurrying about or heard owls hooting. Other times I glimpsed completely unfamiliar creatures and undefined shapes moving in the shadows and my imagination went into overdrive. There might have been fairies, pixies or goblins. There might have been monsters… It was thrilling to be slightly afraid and in truth I was never more than a scream away from getting help. But whatever real or imagined dangers may have been lurking in the garden, when I looked up the darkness held it’s biggest prize; the stars!  I was always transfixed and awe-struck by the wonders of the night sky. First of all the stars were just beautiful to look at. Later, as I learned more and became interested in astronomy I grew ever more amazed and pleasantly bamboozled by the facts associated with those precious pin-pricks of light. Thus, if I hadn’t ventured into the darkness (like billions before me) there is so much magic and beauty that I would never have known.

As a teenager and young adult the night-time held a different kind of excitement and allure but there were many parallels with my experiences in the garden. I loved the bright neon city lights and the foggy street corners with an equal passion. These were new worlds to explore. In huge stadiums and dark smokey bars I first heard the music and met the musicians that really moved me and stayed with me. Under cover of darkness I made my first adult decisions and developed a taste for things which were not always coated in sugar.  Yes, these included the pleasures associated with that old cliche song title, sex drugs and rock’n'roll. And just like in the garden during my childhood, I often fell down, got lost and got hurt. Yet from all my misadventures there were lessons to be learned that played a part in forming and shaping me. I could have played safe and avoided the potential dangers of the night, but then I would have missed out on some of the most pleasurable and magical experiences of my life.

I would like to emphasize that these two pictures of darkness; the child in the garden and the girl in the city at night both still hold equal importance in my heart and soul. Innocent awe and wonder and the more knowing, wanton pleasures sit side by side without detracting from each other. The landscape of darkness is a great leveler.  It is a place where we can be naked yet unseen, a place where we can expose and unleash aspects of ourselves that hide away in the daylight. However it can of course be a frightening place where our fears and demons lurk; and that is perhaps the best reason to explore it. Left alone our shadows grow bigger and secretly sap power from us. But if we confront them in the dark their hazy outlines solidify and become something understandable and perhaps controllable. In facing our fears and confronting the shadows that haunt us I believe we become more whole and more in control of our own destiny.

One of the first magical workings I did on my own when I started practicing witchcraft was in order to overcome a fear that had shadowed me all my life till then. I might have been brave enough to explore the garden at night and the seedy clubs away from the city lights, but if I saw a spider I would run a mile and scream uncontrollably. It was really quite a strong, embarrassing and disabling phobia. I wanted to be rid of this fear. I won’t go into much detail about the magic I performed but I can say that it worked spectacularly well and unnervingly quickly. It was night, it was dark apart from the flickering light of a couple of candles on my alter.Moments after I had performed the first part of the ritual, I was sitting alone and naked inside a circle I had cast in my room. Suddenly out of the corner of my eye I spied movement and sure enough, there was a spider crawling across the carpet. My heart began to race. I tried to focus on the intention I had encapsulated in the magic I had just performed. The spider began to crawl around the rim of the circle. I willed myself to invite the spider in. The spider seemed to hear and crossed the threshold and started crawling towards me. My heart stopped beating so fast and I felt a strange sense of calm. I placed my hand on the ground and the spider approached it. For a moment it hesitated and then it crawled over my fingers. I wanted to scream, not with fear but with euphoria because I knew my fear of spiders had gone! The spider then lived in my room for a few weeks. The only thing that worried me was that I might accidentally step on it. I can’t say that I wouldn’t be startled if I suddenly found a large spider in my bed. But they no longer scare me as they used to. I have learned to appreciate them and if I see one in the bathroom I can simply take it outside without getting hysterical.

Thus I see darkness as a landscape where fears can be confronted, pleasures can be discovered, hidden beauty and magic can be glimpsed and where people can be themselves without shame or embarrassment. Moreover, without the darkness there are many lessons it would be difficult, if not impossible to learn. It is not in itself good or bad; but as night is to day, dark is to light a place with it’s own marvels and mysteries to explore.

Serbia

I have just recently come back from an unscheduled trip to Serbia to cover a teacher who was sick. I have passed through the country several times but never really spent more than a few days there and always in hotels in Belgrade where I was so busy I didn’t get time to get out and see much. On previous occasions I was always taking part in multinational seminars and conventions to promote English courses and so didn’t really get to know the local people. This time was different. This time I spent ten days in a small town near Belgrade actually teaching and meeting the locals.

I have to admit that although I went with an open mind, I had a lot of preconceptions about Serbia and most of them were not good. After all, NATO went to war with Serbia over Kosovo and whenever you think about the break up of Yugoslavia and the wars that followed (particularly in Bosnia and Herzogovina) you are left with the feeling that the Serbs were very much the bad guys; and particularly savage ones at that…

Without exception, the Serbian people I met over the past couple of weeks were amongst the warmest, most hospitable and friendly people I have ever met. They were also very generous with their time and money. I was slightly embarrassed because my hosts refused to allow me to pay for anything on the numerous occasions they took me out for drinks or meals. In short, they were lovely. In soon transpired however that they had a very different view of history to me. Their versions of what actually happened after the break up of Yugoslavia was very different to the one that I knew via CNN and the BBC. While they concede that Serbia did some bad things they claim this was mostly in response to long standing historical disputes and aggression against Serbia that I don’t recall being mentioned at all in the western media. I met several Serbian refugees from Kosovo who had been forced out of their home country long before the term ethnic cleansing was invented (and years before NATO jumped in on the side of Kosovo).

So when I got home to my hotel each night my head was spinning and not just from the delicious local plum brandy. Could I really have been so ill informed? Were the BBC and CNN so biased that my previous knowledge about Serbia was fatally flawed and inaccurate?

Well the Serbians are certainly aware that the rest of the world has a bad impression of them and they are eager to show visitors a much nicer side to their character. Perhaps I was just being taken in by their charm offensive? When I poked a bit more deeply beneath the surface I did find some holes in the almost too nice to be true feeling I was getting from my hosts.

They are more overtly nationalistic than some people and they do harbor grudges and resentments against most, if not all, of their neighboring countries. Some of these are petty and are spoken of in a jokey way, others are clearly more serious. With regard to Kosovo they are keen to tell their side of the story and explain themselves from that perspective, but with regard to Bosnia I watched them flinch and go out of their way to change the subject. So yes, the Serbians do have outstanding issues and to tell the truth I got the feeling that any one of these issues could explode and engulf the country in further conflict and violence at any moment.

I don’t know how much of the news I have watched about the conflicts in former Yugoslavia over the past decade was true and free from bias and my experiences in Serbia will cause me to watch the news ever more critically. However, I am sure the news from the Serbian perspective was at least equally biased and so there seems to be a huge reality gap between what we have been told happened and what actually did happen (whether we are Serbians or foreigners). At some point some uncomfortable truths are going to have to be assimilated.

The town I stayed in was small and unspectacular. The style of the houses was something between what you might see in Austria and Greece. There were a lot of unfinished buildings and dirt tracks posing as roads. All in all, a little run down and sometimes shabby. There were also wild dogs roaming the streets which were more than a little bit unnerving. On the other hand, you could buy anything you needed in the local shops and the shop-keepers were friendly and patient with my lack of Serbian.  Prices were generally very cheap for everyday items. There was a fairly modern sports complex and the school I taught in had every modern amenity despite being in a rather old building.

I did get the chance to see more of Belgrade as a tourist this time and found it to be a busy and exciting city with a great night-life (my head aches just thinking about it but it was fun)! The newly built The St Sava Church, the biggest Eastern Orthodox Church in the world, is spectacular and a must-see for all tourists. I also enjoyed the area around the old fortress where you get a great view of the confluence of the Sava and Danube rivers.

 

So what are my final or lasting feelings about Serbia?

I think you’d have to go a long way to meet friendlier and more hospitable people and I have developed a real affection for them. I don’t think they are as blameless for the sins of the past as they would like to believe but nor do I believe they are the universal bad guys it is convenient for many to paint them as. They need to be heard and they need to be understood if there is to be any hope of lasting peace in the countries that once formed Yugoslavia. I hope they will join the EU and the mainstream of European politics as I think this will give them an outlet to solve the problems they have with their neighbors in a peaceful way.

Germany had the Marshall Plan. South Africa had the Truth and Reconciliation Commission’s. Serbia needs and deserves a route back to the mainstream of western society. Politically Serbia has spawned some monsters, but it is not unique in that. It’s people are basically good people and they have gained a friend in me. I would certainly recommend travelers and tourists to explore Serbia; it really has a lot to offer.

Serbia is at a crossroads. That is always an interesting part of any journey.

The Versatile Blogger Award

I was surprised and very touched to be nominated for the Versatile Blogger Award by Infernal Deity of a Psychotic Mind, a blogger with great taste in delicious men and all things beautiful. My blog meanders through my random thoughts, muses and ideas and it is humbling to think that my words mean anything to anyone beyond myself.

The rules for the award are as follows;-

1.Add a picture of the award to this post.

2.Thank who nominated you.

3.Nominate 15 other Bloggers and inform those 15 they have been nominated.

4.Share 7 random facts about yourself.

So first here are 7 random facts about myself.

1) Although I have to fly frequently for my job I am quite nervous about flying and usually solve this problem with a stiff Gin & Tonic as soon as I am airborne.

2) I am quite good at teaching English despite being really bad at learning other languages.

3) I am an empath; I can read people’s thoughts and emotions.

4) I have quite a major tattoo fetish and the only reason I am not covered in ink head to toe is that I lack the funds and also have an annoyingly strong sensible streak that prevents me from doing things that could cause problems in my job.

5) Although I am a witch to the heart and core of my being, I very rarely cast spells.

6) I have never seen Dirty Dancing all the way through.

7) I have a lot of problems with my knees and ankles as a result of being hit by a car some years ago(which put an end to my aspirations to be a ballet dancer).

***

And now here are the other blogs I highly reccomend and which I will be nominating for the award..Unfortunately I could only think of 12 because some that I follow are very specific and probably don’t come into the category of versatile…

http://idpm.wordpress.com/

http://vikramroyblog.wordpress.com/about/

http://uncletreeshouse.com/

http://slavicmuse.wordpress.com/

http://thinkingloudlyandout.wordpress.com/

http://www.patheos.com/blogs/wildhunt/

http://anamchara.com/

http://sirojs.wordpress.com/

http://dimitrisnowden.wordpress.com/

http://awitchintime.wordpress.com/

http://celticawitch.wordpress.com/

http://aheathenspath.wordpress.com/

http://windupmyskirt.wordpress.com/

Into The Dark

Although I am Pagan now, I was brought up Catholic in a world dominated by Judao-Christian ideals of right and wrong, good and evil. This dualistic principle permeates most of western society, even those parts which seem on the surface to be very secular. I was always suspicious of the moral roadmap I was supposed to keep to. There were people close to me who considered things like masturbation and fornication to be moral evils on a par with rape and murder while at the same time seeming to accept war, torture and the rape of the earth as morally justifiable so long as it was the “Good Christian Guys” doing it. I knew the roadmap was wrong for me and it was a relief to ditch it, but finding my own moral compass has probably been a more difficult task. And the ghost of the Christian compass is never far away…

So where do you draw your own moral boundaries? Does having a personal moral compass have any meaning when everything is personalized and subjective?

If I measure my lifestyle by the religious inspired guidelines of the west (including Christian, Jewish and Islamic morals) there are many aspects of my life which are at least bad if not evil. I am a witch. I cast spells and engage in supernatural practices which seem to be forbidden in the bible. I admit to sometimes being quite hedonistic; I drink and smoke, I enjoy all sorts of sensual pleasures including sex outside of marriage with both men and women. I am sure that by some people’s moral compass I am already dammed beyond hope of redemption!

And yet, I don’t feel bad or evil, in fact to be honest I feel I am quite a good hearted person. I try to be kind. I try to help those in need. I try to be responsible concerning the future of our planet and the people who live on it. In both my private life and my work life I try to be caring and nurturing. So I have indeed thrown out the old roadmap and invested in my own moral compass and come to the conclusion that the best I can do is be true to myself.

My personal compass has been influenced by my own thoughts and feelings together with the ideas of people I like and respect. It has also been highly influenced by the philosophy of Taoism and the principles of Ma’at. The key to my compass has always been difficult to describe adequately in words but it has to do with integration, harmony and balance, of trying to do and see things holistically rather than separating things out into other people’s notions of right and wrong, good and evil. Other people’s notions are always there though, nagging me and occasionally causing me to doubt my path.

Overall I have felt that I have been doing quite a good job with my personal compass. However over the past months or perhaps a year I have felt that something isn’t quite in the right key. I have found that my tastes in many things have been becoming darker and darker. Now from my own stand-point I don’t regard this as bad or wrong, but it does seem to be significant. I have come to the conclusion that perhaps I have been neglecting my shadows and that it might be wise to address this over the coming months.

I am no expert in psychology, but like many witches I know, I think that Jung was correct when he spoke of “Shadows” and “Shadow-work”.

“Beneath the social mask we wear every day, we have a hidden shadow side: an impulsive, wounded, sad, or isolated part that we generally try to ignore. The Shadow can be a source of emotional richness and vitality, and acknowledging it can be a pathway to healing and an authentic life. We meet our dark side, accept it for what it is, and we learn to use its powerful energies in productive ways. The Shadow knows why good people sometimes do “bad” things. Romancing the Shadow and learning to read the messages it encodes in daily life can deepen your consciousness, imagination, and soul.”

from “Romancing the Shadow,” by Connie Zwieg, PhD., and Steve Wolf, PhD.

Everyone carries a Shadow, and the less it is embodied in the individual’s conscious life, the blacker and denser it is. At all counts, it forms an unconscious snag, thwarting our most well-meant intentions.”

The Core of Shadow Work is this:  To KNOW YOURSELF FULLY, from as many angles as are required, in order that you might dare to let yourself go free.  Being neither judge, jury, prosecutor, nor defender—you give no explanations, nor do you require any.  You are AT HOME in your place between the sun and the moon. 

The above quotes all come from About Shadow Work

And so I think this will become one of my personal projects during the coming year; to explore and integrate my shadow side more-so than I have before. It is a challenge which I find both exciting and rather scary. Who knows where I will be lead, what I will find or how it will change me?

The Definite Article

These questions are based on a regular feature in the Daily Mail. I hate the Daily Mail, but the questions in this feature are quite revealing.

The possession you value above all others.
I am not very materialistic. It would probably be the ring my mum gave me for my coming of age and my photos. I’d also be a bit lost without my little lap-top that goes on my travels with me too.
The regret you wish you could amend.
My mum’s illness.
The temptation you wish you could resist.
Generally I like temptations and I don’t really regret any of my vices.
The book which holds an everlasting resonance.
The Tao Of Pooh by Benjamin Hoff.
The thing you would do if you were invisible for a day.
Check up on the ones that got away.
The film you can watch again and again.
There are many but top of the list might be “Amerlie” and “Pleasentville”.
The person who has influenced you most.
My mum, K and A.
The person(s) from history you would most like to meet.
Jesus, Siddhārtha Gautama and Lao Tse.
The piece of wisdom you would pass on to a child.
“The only opinions you should care about are those held by the people you care about.” I’d also encourage children to use their imagination more and not give up their child like sense wonder when they get older. Always make room in your life for play.
The unlikeliest interest that engages your curiosity.
Some people might find it unlikely that I’m interested in quantum physics and astronomy. I also love maps.
The unending quest that drives you.
To live as fully and usefully as possible and to be harmonious.
The event that changed your life.
There have many events that have changed the direction of my life. Perhaps the one with the biggest impact was waking up one morning and realizing that I had been abused after making myself very vulnerable after a series of stupid decisions, drugs and alcohol. I think I have been a wiser and more grown up person since then.

New Year Resolutions

I generally don’t make New Year resolutions but this year I might make two; or at least one and a half.

Very often I find that people’s resolutions at this time of the year tend be rather negative; all about what you are not going to do or what they are going to give up. To me those kind of personal promises might be made for the best of reasons but the emphasis always involves a loss of something pleasurable rather than the gain of something worthwhile. Cutting out cigarettes, alcohol or too many cream cakes probably won’t achieve much unless there is an equal determination to do something positive to improve one’s health or lifestyle. Personally I am quite comfortable with my vices. I eat, drink and smoke in moderation and in general my health is pretty good so I don’t see any point in making any token pledges about those things. But I think it is psychologically good to start the new year with some new aims, objectives and ambitions so I have been trying to think of things that would be beneficial for me.

The first thing that comes to mind sounds very selfish and cuts me to the bone and that is to reclaim my own life. To be honest 2011 was a really bad year for me and I am glad that it is over; but the problems that reached their peak during the year haven’t really gone away. Last year was all about my mother’s rapidly deteriorating health. I have written about this elsewhere so I don’t want to go into too much detail here. In short I had to give up work late summer because mu Mum was no longer able to care for herself at all. I then began a reluctant but urgent search to find a care home for her. That process was pretty soul destroying but eventually I found a place and Mum moved into a home about a month ago. It is a good place with kind and caring staff and they take good care of her daily needs. But I still visit every day and I still feel that I understand her needs better than anybody else. I also know that she wants and needs me to visit as often as possible; and I want to be able to do that. Letting go is proving the hardest part of this whole process and I will admit I have cried myself to sleep several times recently.

But I need to earn a living and get back my own life. I am scheduled to start work again next week which will involve travel to Austria, Germany, Slovenia and Serbia. I will get some breaks at home between courses, but still, this will be the longest period without daily contact with my mum for half a year and it worries me tremendously. I have never approached a new contract more nervously.

On the other hand I know I need to start being me again. I am good at my job and I enjoy doing it. I have good friends throughout Europe and I am looking forward to seeing them again. Yes there are many places and people to reacquaint myself with and new ones to discover. There are bands to see, musicians and artists to wink at… And yes, some more “earthly pleasures” would be nice as well. It’s been a while…

So yes, my first new year resolution will be to reclaim my life, but at the moment I feel half-hearted about saying it. It seems so cruel to even think about it when at the same time my mum is slowly losing both her life and her mind. And I wonder if she will even remember me when I come back to visit…

My other resolution is to write more; and more regularly. I enjoy writing and still have aspirations and ambitions in that area. With things being as they have been during the last year I just haven’t had time and I have gotten out of the habit of writing. This shouldn’t be too difficult to fix. Perhaps I will start by writing more here and I have plenty of other writing projects that I could be getting on with. So this is a resolution I think I can keep to.

Writing these thoughts and plans down now provides a useful bench-mark on this first day of the year. In the weeks and months to come I can look back on this post and measure my progress and see how things have evolved.

This is how 2012 began for me.

snow! (Happy New Year!)

snow!.

Reposted from here. http://dimitrisnowden.wordpress.com/

Why am I becoming more radical?

The end of the year is a time when I get more reflective. I try to recall the ups and downs of the year and think about where that leaves me now. I also try to think about where I am heading and what direction the new year seems to be heading in.

When it comes to politics I have realised I am feeling more frustrated and more radical than ever. I thought people were supposed to get more conservative as they got older?  Well, that doesn’t seem to be happening to me…

Here in the UK there are no political parties I’d want to vote for. I always used to vote Labour and I suppose they are still the least worst option, but since they elected the wrong Milliband as their leader there is no hope of them being elected. Moreover, the truth is whatever aspirations they might have for a more just and fair social democratic society, they are just as subservient to the  anonymous, all powerful, gods of the Markets and the City as the heartless bastards we have in power now. And frankly they are no less corrupt, self serving,  faceless and ideal-less than the Lib-Cons either.

In fairness, the Conservatives do have ideals; they just happen to be evil and self serving. Conservatives by nature follow the creed of Gordon Gekko without ever realizing that it was supposed to be satirical.  Yes Conservatives encourage Greed and worship money and the corporations who control it. There is no concern for social justice, no concern for the poor,  the old, the sick, the disabled, the unemployed, or anyone, unless there is financial gain to be made. They are very good at propaganda to convince the masses that they serve their interests too though. This is because they have the money and half the media in their pocket.  Most of the people who vote conservative are like turkeys voting for Christmas.

Here in Britain the Conservative are in an unholy alliance with the Liberal Democrats. At first I thought the coalition might be a fairly good thing and that the Lib-Dems might bring some fresh ideas, new thinking and balance to the government. But then they seemed to go out of their way to betray everybody who had ever voted for them or just given them credence within the first few months of being in office. Within months they made it virtually impossible for poorer students to even think of attending college or university and the only thing they seemed interested in was rigging the voting system in various ways to ensure that they would always have a foothold in power. In short they turned out to be total scum and I hope that they are not forgiven for at least a generation.

I think the Lib-Dems make me particularly angry because I am a passionate democrat and was always one of those who encouraged other people people to go out and vote. But now the Liberals seem to have proved that whoever you vote for you still get more of the same self serving, corrupt, degenerate assholes!

I kind of like The Greens (and used to vote for the Austrian equivalents when I lived there). The British Greens however are still a bit wooly and unrealistic when it comes to hardcore national politics and are as lamentably anti-European as most of the three bigger parties.

Xenophobic UKIP and the racist BNP don’t even deserve more of a mention in this rant. They are beyond scum.

If I was American I would also be disillusioned by this point. I think I’d still vote for Obama but not with the same enthusiasm or optimism that would have been the case last time round. He has just got so bogged and beaten down by the system that he has been unable to deliver most of what he would idealistically like to do. He would still be a much better choice than anything the Republicans have to offer though. I wonder if the Republicans are just a little bit embarrassed by the caliber of the candidates they are offering up to lead the most powerful nation on Earth?  They seem to range from totally inept to totally insane. Then again, this is the political party who inflicted Brain Doner Bush on the world!

On various forums I have had discussions with anarchists who think they are the obvious solution and alternative to the way things are done now. All I can say is, I hope not! Some of them may be well meaning but I think their philosophy is fundamentally flawed. I don’t like chaos or lawlessness. I believe we do need rules and we do need government so long as it is fair and democratic. Anarchy would just leave all power in the hands of the person with the biggest gun. It would be worse than anything we have had so far.

So what does that leave?

Personally I still believe in  Democratic Socialism, the kind of thing that worked so well for Germany and most of Western Europe for half a century following the war. But that seems to have gone out of style and the world has certainly changed in the meantime. If that were the solution it would have to be radically revamped for the times we live in.

In 2008 the world economic system collapsed. It is still in a state of collapse. Unbridled Capitalism as championed by Regan and Thatcher has failed; it is time to wake up and smell the coffee. All that is happening now is that the mysterious markets are pushing the debt around from one place to another to amuse themselves. They are calling the tunes the cowardly politicians are dancing to; and they are playing with people’s lives. As ever, it is the poorest who will suffer most. And of course none of the puppet masters have any genuine care for the environment or the physical state of the world they will be bestowing to future generations.

I don’t like being or feeling radical. I want a comfortable safe life like most people do. But I can feel the seething anger and frustration in society. I fear that 2012 will bring a lot more demonstrations and maybe even riots to once peaceful streets. Do we really need to go that route to bring about positive change? What we certainly do need is a better caliber of politician. And an end to the madness which thinks there is a quick fix to the environment and the economy and meanwhile we can all go on as normal.

Meanwhile, we’d better all keep our heads down.