Plans and schedules

I received my work schedule for the next couple of months today. Next week they are flying me out to Geneva to do some promotional work in Switzerland and Italy, and then I’ll have about six weeks of teaching in Austria and Slovenia. It sounds like a good plan! I’ll be happy to visit Geneva again; Ive always found it to be a friendly city with a lot going on. It’s also very beautiful. And it’s always great to be in Austria and Italy, I always feel really at home in those countries and it’s great to catch up with the friends I have there. In many ways they are my closest friends, a kind of second family hand-picked by me.

So this news cheered me up. I guess I have been feeling a bit down since Andy left. Of course we keep in touch by email and phone but obviously that’s not the same as actually having him here. On the other hand, lack of sex has almost certainly prompted me to do a lot more writing over the last few days than I normally would do which I suppose is a good thing. Writing is always therapeutic for me and helps me to put my thoughts in order. Moreover I see it as a possible pension plan so that when I finish proper work I might have established another source of income. As well as writing a few bits and pieces here in my blog I have been writing an article for MWM. I’ll probably say more about that later.

The strange thing is that life without Andy being here is more normal than when he is here. If I am brutally honest it only feels a bit empty for a few days after he has gone. It seems cold and almost blasphemous to say it it, but it’s true. Don’t worry, I always have strange thoughts like this just after he has gone. The next stage will be thinking we should call the whole loose arrangement off altogether. Then I will think,”What’s the point of being so dramatic since this relationship is so loose anyway. We can’t can’t call something off when it is hardly ever on!” Then life will go on and sooner or later I will wake up in somebody else’s bed wondering if I should feel guilty or not. And then maybe a few months from now Andy and I will be together again and it will seem like he was never away in between.  Oh and in case anybody is wondering, of course I know that Andy will probably be reading this. Believe me, I haven’t written anything here that we haven’t already discussed in technicolor detail.

Meanwhile, changing the subject, Mum was ok today (I took her to the opticians and made dinner for her). Her health is really not good though either physically or mentally. I am trying to fix up a doctors appointment for her before I go away. She tells me not to worry, but of course I do. I really don’t know how she will cope while I’m away. It gets harder every time. Sooner or later she is going to need full time care or at least assistance. If it is the only way, it will be me but I admit I don’t like the prospect of giving up my present lifestyle. There might be other possibilities… She might get some help from social services or other organisations. I am trying to make her think about these things but she is stubborn. She thinks she can just go on deteriorating like this and somehow everything will be ok. She doesn’t want me to give up work or anything but she doesn’t seem to understand that I would rest easier if we stopped pretending and actually got some sort of care regime planned and organised.

On a brighter note I am meeting some friends tonight for some drinks. The weather is good so we might be able to sit outside. Should be nice.

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