I am having a dry spell, in more ways than one.
Clearly, as my lack of recent posts here shows, in terms of writing and general creativity I am having a dry spell. It’s not that I can’t think of things to write about; actually I have several projects which I could or should be doing. I just can’t concentrate or get motivated. And that is because the dry spell comes from virtually all other aspects of my life at the moment.
Emotionally I am very torn and frustrated. The on/off relationship with Andy is pretty much off;- and yet I don’t really know what that means. I’m still pretty sure that the next time we meet won’t be much different to the last. There is something emotional between us; big time. But unless we can actually be together more than a few weeks a year (which I don’t see happening for a long time yet) the time we are apart is just a torment. We both need more than a few weeks a year of emotional and sexual satisfaction and we don’t need the feelings of confusion and guilt every time we meet someone we are attracted to. So, following some long and emotional telephone calls we are both regarding each other from now on as totally single and independent. And yet, that is not quite how I really feel at the moment…
Obviously my sex life has been very dry for quite a while to. This was my choice to a large degree since there were plenty of offers. I was amazingly well behaved, all things considered, while I was away working the last time. But in truth I felt frustrated more than anything else. But now that I am officially single again I shouldn’t have feelings or guilt or betrayal, should I? Well this weekend I am going to a party where I know there will be plenty of possibilities. Part of me is going there with every intention of getting laid, goodness knows I am horny enough! But another party of me is still very confused about what I really want. Frankly I am rooting for horny Cassie to win out!
My emotional frustration and confusion is not restricted to Andy. To be honest the biggest drain on my emotional energy is my Mum. In a nut-shell, her mind and body are deteriorating faster than ever. She seems to have lost any sort of self motivation and to a large degree is just sitting and vegetating. Her memory lapses are getting worse all the time and are now mixed with confused and even delusional episodes. The doctors seem to have given up on her and sometimes I think I am the only one who cares. Even she doesn’t seem to care anymore. And when I try to motivate her or get her out of the house she makes me feel like some sort of cruel bully. So I really feel at a loss in that situation.
Autumn has set in, Samhain has come and gone and I don’t really feel any of the emotional, spiritual and magical enrichment that this time of the year usually brings. Yes, I still love the changing of the colors, the sound of leaves under my feet and the organic smell of the air that this season brings. I do have a sense that the veil between the living and the dead; between the mundane and the magical is more transparent than usual, but I am not moved by it in quite the normal way. And I know it is my own fault. I could sit down and meditate. I could perform a ritual. I could do some magic. I could do some divination. Again, I just feel lazy and unmotivated. Dry.
But not all is bad. I have been offered some more teaching and promotional work which will keep me financially afloat for the next few months. Some of the promotional work will be in the Far East which will be a new adventure for me!
Meanwhile, lets see what the weekend brings…