So, I’m quite busy at the moment, a lot going on in different areas of my life, some good some bad and I don’t seem to be able to focus or settle on anything…
The biggest problem is my Mum. Her health is deteriorating badly but she doesn’t want to accept it or do anything about it. At times she is getting quite hostile to me because I am the one who sees how bad things are getting and nags her to get things sorted out. To be honest, when I am at home I do virtually everything for her. When I am away she just lets things go until I get back. I want her to have a nurse or social worker come in two or three times a week to do the things that don’t get done without my help. She sees that as loosing her independence and doesn’t even seem to realize how badly things fall apart when I am not here to sort things out. Meanwhile, my job is going very well and they are offering me more and more work and more and more responsibility. Early next year I might be working abroad for 3 months non stop. But what happens to Mum then? Should I go behind her back and try and set up something with the doctor or social services without telling her? It hurts me that in her present confused state she seems to think it is me that wants to rob her of her independence. Actually I only want her to be safe and well while I am away.
So I seem to be a fairly useless or impotent witch. I am aware of several things I could do, but when it comes to my family I get over concerned about how things could backfire. And witch-craft can backfire… I don’t actually cast spells or perform other kinds of magic very often, but I can. Actually, I am usually quite good; but like anyone who practices magic, I have made mistakes and seen the consequences. The main problem where my Mum is concerned would be establishing a clear line of purpose and will. The problem is I am too close and emotionally caught up in the situation to think clearly.
On the plus side of life I had a great time in Venice recently. I have been there several times and always find it magical. I especially like it in Autumn and Winter when there are slightly fewer tourists and the tides are high enough for the canals to sometimes spill over. I know this is very bad for the foundations of the city and is a sign that the whole place is slowly sinking into the lagoon; but it is a unique experience to get from A to B over makeshift bridges made of benches. I also love the narrow streets of Venice on a misty night. There is nowhere else quite like it and you feel like you are walking through a silent time warp or another dimension altogether.
(The above picture is not my own; it comes from http://www.travelzip.co.uk/content/images/gondole_in_venice.jpg)
Another plus (in a way) is that I am a single girl again. Well, to be more precise, I am enjoying the benefits of being single without the guilt that comes from thinking I should stay loyal to a person I almost never see. I don’t think I am promiscuous (or ever really have been) but it does give you a lift to be able to go out in the evening knowing that there is the possibility of a guiltless sexual adventure at the end of the night if you want it. And I have wanted it; and I have indulged myself a bit. But it is funny; when you have love but no sex you tend to get fixated on sex. Now that I can have sex pretty much when I want, I am getting fixated on love again. So while I have had a couple of hugely enjoyable adventures that don’t make me feel at all guilty, they still leave me wanting something more.
So overall, I’m a bit mixed up at the moment, and finding it hard to focus.
And for a witch the ability to focus is pretty important.