Selfish and Independant.

The New Year has come and gone and already seems like ages ago. In the last 6 weeks (it seems longer) I have been running around Central Europe. My main ports of call were Vienna, Munich and Zurich but there were plenty of lesser known, pretty little towns en route. My time was once again split between teaching and promoting and there is always something new to learn in both of those roles. The pace has been franetic and I am exhausted but I think I welcomed the opportunity to be so caught up in work that I didn’t have time to reflect too much on things. And yet I did… In the background my mind was keeping track of the changes that are going on, in and around my life and now that I have a much needed week off those thoughts have settled down and taken a more solid form.

I am becoming more selfish in many ways. I am putting my own wishes and desires ahead of others more than I ever have done before. I am becoming more confident in both aspects of my work and that is coming out in my general attitude. I guess I am developing a harder edge;- and I like it.

I am still very worried about my Mum’s health and well-being but several incidents have lead me to the conclusion that I can’t lead her life for her and I can’t protect her from all the things I would like to. And then there is this selfish gene asserting itself again; a gene which is telling me to live more for myself.

I feel like for the last year or so I was living a lifestyle that revolved entirely around my Mum and Andy. Andy is still, and hopefully always will be a friend but it wasn’t the right time, place or situation for us to try and live as if we were a couple. I see that now and I hope he does too. I was kind of nervous at first about being totally single and independent again, but now I am much more comfortable in my own skin and this is what I want for the time being. I have had a few “adventures” on my travels and I am looking forward to having more. “Adventure” is the right word because I feel I am challenging myself and pushing my own boundaries. I feel that this is just a stage and it is not a stage that is bringing me love, but it is bringing me empowerment. Does that make sense? At the same time I think I have a firmer picture in my mind of the type of relationship I eventually want to be in and raise children in; I just don’t want it yet. Having said that, I am broody as hell! Every time I see a baby my hormones seem to go into overdrive, like some strange hyper drugs trip reprogramming my mind to want have babies. The antidote to broodiness seems to be horniness. I must confess my sexual appetite has increased lately and is less connected with more romantic thoughts of love than it ever used to be; and my tastes are getting a bit darker and, once again, selfish.

Spiritually I had been feeling a bit lost. Paganism and Witchcraft seemed to be far from the center of my life and there were moments when I wondered if those concepts had any real relevance to me anymore. Well they do. I had a strange but pleasing moment in a meditation a few nights ago when some things seemed to just click back into place. Suddenly I feel Pagan to the core of my being again. And while I don’t cast many spells (I never really have done) the rituals and practices of my craft feel vital and precious again. I think that the various aspects of our personality grow and mature at different paces and process what’s going on in the “whole” self at different times. So I think that is what has been going on with me.

As for all the travels. I don’t want to minimize their importance to me but I find it almost impossible to do justice to them in writing. At least once a week I am in a new location and nearly every day is rich with new experiences. But how do you begin to talk about it? I have never worked it out. I hardly ever talk about my travels with anyone at home. How do you describe the positive and negative aspects of life on the road with people who have never felt the impetus to travel? I had a great time in Germany, Austria and Switzerland. I met some lovely people. I saw some spectacular scenery. I tried to sleep in night-trains. I tried to get the hang of snowboarding. I ate some great food and some crap food. I experienced some unbelievably cold temperatures. I injured my neck and my knees (but not seriously). I improved my German. I worked very hard and partied just as hard. I had a lot of fun and I wore myself out. I didn’t take a single photo because there just wasn’t time. Moreover I tend to take photos of people more than scenes. There are some far better photographers than me out there who are better able to capture the beauty and uniqueness of places than I am.

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