In my head I understand that a lot of people are really only attracted to one sex and that they would find the idea of having emotional and/or sexual feelings for the other sex quite strange and uncomfortable. Yes, in my head I understand and accept that, but in my heart I find it very difficult to imagine how that would be because I have never been like that. It kind of makes me feel sorry for people; it is as if nature has played a cruel trick by programming them in such a way that half the population is off limits as far as romance is concerned.
I have always counted myself lucky to be bisexual and if I woke up one day and found that I was suddenly unable to feel sexual or emotional attraction to one half of the population or the other, it would feel like a body blow. I’d feel as if I had been robbed of something vital. It is awful just trying to imagine it. It would be like losing the ability to see in colour; knowing that there is something more there than you are able to perceive.
And being Bi has never been a really big issue to me or the people I hang out with. I have not really had to face any of the prejudice that gay men or women often have to deal with. Oddly, the only only hurtful remarks have come from a few lesbians who tried (and eventually succeeded) in breaking up a relationship I was having with a lovely woman. But generally being a bisexual woman does not seem to threaten or offend most people. Most of the men I have met actually seem to be a bit turned on by the fact that I’m bi and most women I meet either don’t care, or in some happy situations are quite pleased about it! Having said that, I do think that bisexual men probably have a more difficult time for reasons that I can’t quite get my head round.
If I were to add it up (which obviously I have done!) I could say that I have had slightly more relationships or briefer sexual encounters with men than women. But numbers don’t tell the whole story. The simple fact is I am equally attracted to both genders and always have been from puberty onwards. And I am very happy and content in my bisexual skin.
The thing is that I am now 31 and my biological clock is reminding me loudly that it’s time to start thinking about making babies. There are moments that I feel so broody it is ridiculous. I feel almost that my hormones are conspiring against me because actually I am quite happy with my life as it is. I am doing well in my career, I am happy and independent. I just wish that seeing babies didn’t make me feel all gooey and maternal every time it happens!
The problem is (and I hate to even admit it to myself) my views about raising a family are quite conservative. Moreover, when it comes to making babies I want to do it in the good old fashioned way in the context of a loving relationship with a man. And I will be loyal. For all my faults and adventures I am always loyal to the person I am in a serious relationship with.
So, the biological clock is ticking. There is no urgency about it yet. I think there are still a few years to go before the actual alarm bells begin to ring. But it is ticking and I know it. Yet I am still bisexual and always will be, so what does it all mean?
Right now it means that I am unnaturally holding back when I meet women that I like. I have developed a fear of getting too emotionally involved with a woman in case I have to backtrack and hurt her feelings and my own a few years down the line. Or maybe I am afraid of getting trapped by love and having to give up the prospect of having a family in the way I have always dreamed. Sex and romance is becoming less about the joy of the moment and more about what it could or couldn’t lead to.
Of course part of the reason all these things are on my mind right now is that I have met a woman I fancy like crazy and I am fairly sure she also has strong feelings for me too. If this had happened a year or so ago I am pretty sure we would be having a pretty passionate relationship already; but now… Now I am reluctant and holding back. It’s not that I don’t want her. In fact, all this holding back just makes me desire her more and more… But those other baby making hormones are just not letting me follow my sexual and emotional desires. I feel like I am being a traitor to myself.
Is this a dilemma that a lot of bisexual women face at some time in their lives, or is this just me madly over-thinking the whole situation?