As I said in my last post I am trying to reorganize my blog a bit and post about specific topics on specific days. So this, albeit a bit late, is the first in what is planned to be a series of Sexy Saturday posts.
I like sex. I like having sex. I like reading about sex and I have realized I quite like writing about sex. There are a few wordpress blogs about the perils and pleasures of sex and dating written by women that I do enjoy reading. In general they are very up-front and fairly explicit, but most of all they are intelligent and highly amusing. Very often these people write in detail about their own sexual appetites and adventures and I admire their ability to be honest, candid and frank about such matters. However, I am not sure that style is right for me. I am not sure how open I want to be about the most intimate details of my own life (time will tell) and more importantly I am not sure I could describe such things in such an entertaining way as others are able to do. Personally I am more interested in the psychology behind sex and the various ways in which attitudes to sex in modern society are still confused and generally fucked up. Some of that confusion was put into focus for me recently while visiting a sex shop in Germany. More of that in a moment, but first, for anyone who is new to my blog, a very very short profile of myself as a sexual person…
I am a presently single woman in my early thirties. As a pagan I do have deep seated spiritual and philosophical views which probably influence my sexual views just as much as they influence everything else. I am bisexual and have been sexually active since my mid teens. I have had three long term loving relationships (two with men; one with a woman) and while I was sad when they ended, they all ended fairly amicably mostly due to differences in work, location and lifestyle. I have had quite a few less serious longer term relationships which probably come under the title of “friends with benefits”. Among these would be several of my “groupie” conquests. I am a shameless groupie; I love music and musicians and don’t have any moral qualms about getting as close as I can to the people I admire. All the lovers mentioned so far became (and still are) great friends. I have also had quite a lot of less romantically serious episodes of raw sex with people I didn’t know so well or keep in touch with. In general I have never gone much more than a month without having sex with somebody and in the in-between times, I do like to pleasure myself. I am at a time in my life when the biological clock is counting down and I am thinking about settling down with a stable partner and raising a family. However, until the right person comes along I am making the most of being single.
And so to the sex shop…
Germany is refreshingly open about sex in comparison to The UK, where I am nominally based. There was a sex shop just round the corner from the hotel I was staying in last week so I decided to pay a visit. Now, as should be obvious by now, I like to think of myself as quite open and liberated when it comes to matters of sex, and yet once inside the sex shop I felt slightly uncomfortable and embarrassed; perhaps even a little guilty. Why?
I don’t visit such places often but it wasn’t the first time I have been in a sex shop. On most previous occasions I have been together with a partner, which took the edge off the embarrassment, but it was still there. Again, why? Why should it be embarrassing to peruse items connected with sex? We are adults. Most adults have sex. It is an extremely pleasant and totally normal aspect of life (I believe that to the core of my being). If I go to an ice-cream parlor it doesn’t bother me that people might be looking to see whether I prefer strawberry or vanilla so why should I worry if people see me looking at certain types of lingerie, or comparing different vibrators. Why should it bother me that people might notice what sort of porn I am drawn to or what fetish items my eyes might settle on?
Yet, it does bother me. As open as I like to think I am, there are some things I don’t want the world to know. There are some pleasures which actually are guilty ones. There are some purchases I don’t want to be judged by.
And there still is something slightly seedy about sex shops and some of the people you tend to see there. The staff are generally fine. They have seen it all before and generally don’t look as if they are making judgments. But some of the customers are people I would not choose to meet anywhere else. Yes, that is me being judgmental, and I know it and don’t feel good about it. But it is how I feel. Yet I am one of those people who buys things in sex shops, so what does that say about me?
My main reason for visiting the sex shop (other than the fact that it just happened to be there) was to buy a dildo. I have a little one that I take with me on my travels which has seen a lot of action and is nearing the end of it’s days. I am actually quite sad as it has become like an old friend! While looking at potential replacements I was attracted by a vibrator which seemed to be able to sing and dance and do just about everything else. So without hanging around in the sex shop a moment longer than necessary I bought what I wanted to buy and left, probably slightly red faced.
This little adventure left me with a lot of questions, some of which I might explore here in future posts. In the apparently secular and scientific world of the twenty-first century how comfortable are we really about sex? How many taboos remain? How open about sexual matters should we be? Why do some things still seem seedy? How far is seediness part of the attraction of some sexual activities? Why is that psychologically? I mean why do we often desire things which are deemed to be bad or taboo? If most people really were totally open and matter of fact about all aspects of sex and sexuality would we have to invent new forbidden areas to explore?
And there are many more questions to consider which are too taxing to think about right now.
Meanwhile I am going to loose myself with my new toy. So little time, so many settings. 😉