Yesterday I wrote a post which I subsequently deleted. Now I kind of wish I hadn’t deleted it because it was well written and fairly accurately portrayed where I am at in my spiritual path. Today I don’t have the time or patience to re-write it as fully as I should, but I would like to summarize what I said before and then explain why I deleted it the first time round.
The post was in essence my “coming out” so to speak as a Satanist; a Theistic Satanist to be precise. My path has been leading in this direction for a long time and I have now accepted it. Yesterday I went to some pains to explain exactly what this means or doesn’t mean. I am as aware as anybody of all the negative things that are likely to be associated in people’s minds with the words Satan or satanism. Perhaps if anything I was too apologetic. Those who continue to follow my blog can judge how I am changed by this turning on my path if they wish to but I am essentially writing for myself to record my own development as a person.
There are three reasons I deleted the post the first time round. The first is an excuse which I hate but which on this occasion is at least partially true and that is that I was very “hormonal” and my emotions and thoughts were incredibly mixed up. Which leads to the second and most important reason…
As some of my regular readers may know, my Mother is very ill with early onset dementia. She has virtually lost her mind entirely by this stage and she is slowly dying. She could survive for several more years or she could die at any time. I visit her every day when I am at home in England (in between clearing her house in order to sell it to pay for her care). It is a sad and difficult time for me. In the past I have been able to tell my Mum about all the important ups and downs in my life. When I had problems at school, when I started smoking, when I started having sex, when I had my heart broken, when I left the church, when I realized I was bisexual, when I got into bad company and had problems with drugs, when I studied Taoism, when I became a pagan and a witch… She was always there, accepting me for who I was and giving the kind of support and advice that only a mother can. But now she can’t. After making my original post yesterday I went to visit her in the care home… I realized that even if she had been in her right mind it would have taken many conversations to convince her that I hadn’t sold my soul to the devil and suddenly embraced evil ways. But now those conversations are impossible. Moreover, her Catholic faith is one of the few things she still clings to and it gives her solace. I would never want to compromise the comfort her faith gives her at this difficult time. So for the first time I am making important decisions (well significant to me anyway) which my Mum cannot be involved in. I admit I find that very painful indeed.
The other thing which made me pause was simply the degree to which I want to be identified or labeled as a Satanist. As I explained in my now deleted post I come to Satan very much from a Pagan perspective. I see him as the name behind the Horned God, the Lord of nature and the wild. I believe that most if not all of the negative and evil things associated with him are the result of propaganda, slander and misunderstanding by those who were seeking to convert people to Christianity and Islam at various times in history. At the same time I have been studying the various manifestations of Satanism that exist today and finding that I do identify quite strongly with some of those ideas. I think I am by default a Theistic Satanist but whether I have the right or desire to use that as a title yet I am not quite sure. My Satanism is as eclectic as my Paganism and I am drawing on ideas from many different groups within and outside of Satanism.
To me, this particular twist in the path I am following is a simple extension of my basic pagan beliefs. It is my way of forging a closer relationship with the male aspect of divinity; and through that, learning more of the spiritual lessons I need to learn.
Perhaps it is a wrong turning I will come to regret. Perhaps it is a cul-de-sac… I wish I could discuss these things with my Mum. And yet I cannot deny what is in my heart or my mind. Emotionally I feel a bond with Satan as the male aspect of divinity. Intellectually I am immersed in study of the various forms of Satanism, and while I am still finding my way around and sorting out the good from the bad I think my feet are now firmly entrenched on the Left Hand Path, as some people call it. Perhaps having to take this step alone ,is a lesson to be learned in itself.
Since this is a truncated version of my previous post I am more than happy to attempt to answer any questions that it provokes.
ETA For those who are interested I have started a new blog to chart my progress and experiences as an Eclectic Satanist LINK.