Exploring Satanism…Again

Yesterday I wrote a post which I subsequently deleted. Now I kind of wish I hadn’t deleted it because it was well written and fairly accurately portrayed where I am at in my spiritual path. Today I don’t have the time or patience to re-write it as fully as I should, but I would like to summarize what I said before and then explain why I deleted it the first time round.

The post was in essence my “coming out” so to speak as a Satanist; a Theistic Satanist to be precise. My path has been leading in this direction for a long time and I have now accepted it. Yesterday I went to some pains to explain exactly what this means or doesn’t mean. I am as aware as anybody of all the negative things that are likely to be associated in people’s minds with the words Satan or satanism. Perhaps if anything I was too apologetic. Those who continue to follow my blog can judge how I am changed by this turning on my path if they wish to but I am essentially writing for myself to record my own development as a person.

There are three reasons I deleted the post the first time round. The first is an excuse which I hate but which on this occasion is at least partially true and that is that I was very “hormonal” and my emotions and thoughts were incredibly mixed up. Which leads to the second and most important reason…

As some of my regular readers may know, my Mother is very ill with early onset dementia. She has virtually lost her mind entirely by this stage and she is slowly dying. She could survive for several more years or she could die at any time. I visit her every day when I am at home in England (in between clearing her house in order to sell it to pay for her care). It is a sad and difficult time for me. In the past I have been able to tell my Mum about all the important ups and downs in my life. When I had problems at school, when I started smoking, when I started having sex, when I had my heart broken, when I left the church, when I realized I was bisexual, when I got into bad company and had problems with drugs, when I studied Taoism, when I became a pagan and a witch… She was always there, accepting me for who I was and giving the kind of support and advice that only a mother can. But now she can’t. After making my original post yesterday I went to visit her in the care home… I realized that even if she had been in her right mind it would have taken many conversations to convince her that I hadn’t sold my soul to the devil and suddenly embraced evil ways. But now those conversations are impossible. Moreover, her Catholic faith is one of the few things she still clings to and it gives her solace. I would never want to compromise the comfort her faith gives her at this difficult time. So for the first time I am making important decisions (well significant to me anyway) which my Mum cannot be involved in. I admit I find that very painful indeed.

The other thing which made me pause was simply the degree to which I want to be identified or labeled as a Satanist. As I explained in my now deleted post I come to Satan very much from a Pagan perspective. I see him as the name behind the Horned God, the Lord of nature and the wild. I believe that most if not all of the negative and evil things associated with him are the result of propaganda, slander and misunderstanding by those who were seeking to convert people to Christianity and Islam at various times in history. At the same time I have been studying the various manifestations of Satanism that exist today and finding that I do identify quite strongly with some of those ideas. I think I am by default a Theistic Satanist but whether I have the right or desire to use that as a title yet I am not quite sure. My Satanism is as eclectic as my Paganism and I am drawing on ideas from many different groups within and outside of Satanism.

To me, this particular twist in the path I am following is a simple extension of my basic pagan beliefs. It is my way of forging a closer relationship with the male aspect of divinity; and through that, learning more of the spiritual lessons I need to learn.

Perhaps it is a wrong turning I will come to regret. Perhaps it is a cul-de-sac… I wish I could discuss these things with my Mum. And yet I cannot deny what is in my heart or my mind. Emotionally I feel a bond with Satan as the male aspect of divinity. Intellectually I am immersed in study of the various forms of Satanism, and while I am still finding my way around and sorting out the good from the bad I think my feet are now firmly entrenched on the Left Hand Path, as some people call it. Perhaps having to take this step alone ,is a lesson to be learned in itself.

Since this is a truncated version of my previous post I am more than happy to attempt to answer any questions that it provokes.

ETA For those who are interested I have started a new blog to chart my progress and experiences as an Eclectic Satanist LINK.

7 responses to “Exploring Satanism…Again

  1. It’s cool you’re a theistic Satanist. Haven’t met many of them, though I did almost become one actually. I liked what Satan stood for a lot, and I think I share much the same view as you. The only reasons I didn’t become one were because I decided I didn’t want anything to do with that pantheon, and I’d discovered my own Norse heritage and found that much the same ideas were shared.

    I wish you good fortune on your Path. You could do worse to have such a God in your corner.

  2. Dear Phil, I thank you for your comment which I accept was made out of genuine concern and with the best of intentions. Yes I do love my Mother deeply and I believe I have a good heart and that I am strong when I need to be as well as loving and caring towards others. I see no reason why this should change.
    My mother’s condition was caused by illness and not by any outside force.
    If you want to understand me and my motives more then perhaps you could read more of my past and/or future posts. I can assure you that I work out my guilt quickly and that guilt is certainly not a factor in the path I have chosen to take.
    I was raised Christian and broke away from it years ago. I have respect for the person of Jesus and for many people who are Christians. I do not however much like, respect or believe in the doctrines of Christianity as a religion. I understand that Satan represents something quite different to me than he does to you, which I partly tried to explain in the post you commented on. I follow him because I believe that beyond the lies and slanders that Christianity has been particularly guilty of heaping upon him, there lies a face of deity that is both good and full of wisdom.

    • Dear Cassie
      Thanks for your reply. Indeed I’ve checked out some of your other posts. I hope you don’t mind me describing it as ‘colourfull…’
      I wasn’t raised a Christian and so have had the advantage of not having all the baggage foisted on me from an early age, and indeed I feel that much of the ‘religion’ that is practiced is misguided … hence I’m advocating ‘Minimalist Christianity’. I’d be interested in your thoughts. Ghandi commented that he ‘liked your Christ, but not your Christians’ … unfortunately some who claim to be Christians live up to that.
      I saw that you commented about sin, and again I suspect it is a misunderstood concept. Old Testament ‘thou shalt not or you burn in hell’ is probably not the best way to think of it, but I think a lot of the ‘laws’ are perhaps good advice on how to live rather than strict rules (Jesus said that ‘all sins can be forgiven’ for instance). So perhaps good advice is to be wary of which path we tread, to avoid regrets perhaps in the future? For instance, if we look at our lives as a whole when we reach the end we will all be able to ask ‘why didn’t I help more? Why didn’t I give more?’ and so on – like at the end of Schindlers List. So perhaps one way ‘sin’ harms us if it prevents us doing what we would have liked to have done for others?
      Anyway, thanks again for your gracious reply, and I hope that you are able to find a peaceful and fruitful path.
      Phil

      • Dear Phil I appreciate your thoughtful and respectful comment. I am also a big fan of Ghandi! I think your approach of “Minimal Christianity” is an interesting one and I will follow your blog. I think my spiritual path is destined to be quite different than yours but I hope at the end of my days I will be able to say that I helped people as much as I could. I think we all fail in this to some degree but I hope I will be able to give a reasonable account of myself.

  3. Dear Cassie,

    This blog is all I’ve read and know about you, but I feel prompted to reply.

    First of all, I can tell that you love your Mother, and that fact by itself tells me that you have a basically good heart. Satan would take joy in the situation that your mother is in (some would say that he has caused it). If you do not, then that tells you something – that you are not satanic!

    I would guess that you have a lot of guilt about the things that you have done in your past, but you don’t have to carry that guilt. Please don’t let your good heart be trapped and strangled by things that you would rather not have done in the past. Your past is gone, but you have a future ahead of you. You can choose to embrace a future of peace and love, rather than feeling driven by external forces. The forces have no authority over you!

    I guess too that you have never really understood the depth of love that Jesus has for you, Cassie, an amazing woman who can become profoundly strong, loving and caring for others. He has authority to secure your future, if you are willing to accept his offer. Your feet are NOT entrenched on the ‘left hand path’ if you don’t want them to be – and I don’t believe that you really do want them to be. Christ holds his hand out to you to lift you from that path, but you have to take it. He knows what you are, and what you have done, and he still holds out his hand. Don’t be afraid to take it.

    With love
    Phil

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