Regular visitors may notice that I have made some changes to the look and feel of my site. This is partly because I think it is good to ring the changes every so often anyway and partly to reflect and celebrate the changes that have been going on in my life recently. Those changes come under four main headings; relationships, the biological clock, work and spirituality.
As mentioned previously I now have a girlfriend. We live in different countries so won’t get to see each other as often as we would like. However this past weekend I managed to pay her a visit in Zurich and we had a lovely couple of days together. We were able to relax by the lake in the blistering heat but mainly we stayed at her place eating, drinking and the rest you can imagine… We did do a lot of talking though and set some boundaries for our relationship which we can both live with. We are both bisexual and we have both been in long distance relationships before which didn’t work out. We both started off by saying that we wouldn’t hold each other to any promises of romantic or sexual fidelity (given what can happen when people are living a thousand miles apart). But then we both have had experiences of being the one who was let down when a partner in another country found somebody else. So we decided to go further and say that we have a totally open relationship and we will definitely sleep with other people (probably men, since we’re both quite fond of them)! It may sound crazy but it makes sense to us for all sorts of reasons. I left feeling much more secure in this relationship actually. If ever a time comes when it is possible for us to actually live together in the same country we may change the rules. But for now, it really works for us this way.
The Biological Clock
I am 33 years old and for several years already I have been aware of the ticking of my biological clock. I wouldn’t say I was obsessed by it, but it has been a constant nagging and has affected decisions I have made about my life. In short I thought that if I was going to have children I should set about it soon and prioritize that factor when it came to making relationships with potential partners. I have now come to think that was silly. If I am supposed to have children, it will happen someday and if not it won’t. Perhaps more fundamentally I have come to the conclusion that it is not necessarily important for me to have children at all. The world is full of children, many who don’t have a home or a family at all. There is no biological reason for me to have children. Moreover I have come to feel that I can be happy, fulfilled and creative as a woman without bringing another child in the world. I have inwardly accepted that I probably won’t in fact have children of my own and I am comfortable with that. The biological clock no longer has any influence over my life.
As I wrote recently, I have been offered a possibility for promotion at work. I am not yet sure if I will take this particular opportunity, however, I have come to recognize that I am ready for a step up of some kind. I want and need more responsibility and more money and there are several fields in which I can pursue my ambitions. This is another area where the biological clock no longer holds sway. I will be prioritizing work and career in my future decision making much more than I have done before.
A while ago in a post here I confided that I had been exploring Satanism and in fact had already begun to identify as a Satanist. This remains the case and in fact my beliefs have solidified and I now fully embrace Satanism as my chosen spiritual path and personal philosophy. I have already started another blog purely to reflect on the continuation of my path in Satanism; those who are interested can find it here (Link). Since then however, I have found that I have been kind of censoring myself here so as not to inflict my beliefs on people who visit this site and risk offending them. In reality though I can’t separate my spiritual life and beliefs from any other aspect of my life and of course there will be times when my personal brand of Satanism will influence and inform what I choose to write about here. I don’t want to have to censor myself on my own little space on the net; so while I am aiming to keep this blog as random and diverse as it already is, I will be more upfront and open about my Satanism from now on.