Well despite Myan predictions, Korean Rockets, Iranian Nukes, Syrian carnage and more violence in Palestine and Israel, the world did not end. In fact the Olympics were great and overall it has been for me personally a pretty good year. If all goes to plan I will soon be off to Zurich to celebrate the New Year with my girlfriend. A year ago writing that sentence would have seemed inconceivable.
I will remember this year not so much for the things that happened (apart from meeting Sophie) but for the ways I have grown and changed as a person. In some ways I feel quite different from the person who was typing on this same keyboard this time last year, but in other ways it doesn’t seem so much like a change but more a case of becoming more fully myself and discarding some masks.
There have been four main themes running through my year. In no particular order they are work, my Mum, Sophie and Satanism.
Work has not changed much but I have been busy and quite successful both in terms of teaching and promotional work. I would probably have taken a more senior management job earlier this year were it not for the fact that it conflicted with looking after my Mum. As it is, I have become a kind of unofficial part of the management team. I go to the most difficult schools and supervise other teachers and the promotional work takes up almost half my time now. I still travel a lot and this year I spent a lot more time in Eastern Europe, had a surprisingly nice and thought provoking stay in Serbia and of course spent much more time in Switzerland.
My Mum’s health continues to deteriorate as her dementia gets worse. She still recognizes me and is pleased to see me when I visit, but she doesn’t really know who I am anymore. Meanwhile I have been emptying her house which is now on the market to pay for her care. I don’t write much about it since I don’t know any words that can truly convey how I feel about what is happening. There have been a lot of silent tears. There have been times when I have allowed myself to think that it might be better for her and even for me if she were to transition to another life… And then I hate myself for thinking such things because I know that whenever that time comes, no matter how prepared I am, I will be devastated. And when I visit her, even if we just sit in silence together, I know that those moments are more precious than anything money can buy and they can never be reclaimed. I think without the other changes in my life this year I might have found all this unbearable.
My spiritual life has always been important to me but for the last few years things had felt stilted and stuck. In the spring of this year I finally admitted to myself and to others that I was in fact a Satanist. Since then my spiritual life has taken off again and I feel much more grounded and secure in my beliefs. Perhaps equally importantly I don’t feel the need to pretend to be something I am not anymore. Of course some people probably think I have gone mad but they will mostly be people who don’t understand what Satanism actually is. For me it is a logical progression in my path and it has given my spiritual life much more dynamism and relevance. It has given me new philosophical questions to explore, new friends in the Coven I joined and online and overall I feel a greater sense of direction and purpose in my path. Most of all I feel liberated, more free to be me; and I thank both Hathor and Satan for the blessings and guidance they continue to give me.
And then there was Sophie… A year ago I had virtually vowed to avoid getting romantically involved with women at all and concentrate my energies on meeting a man who might prove to be a life partner and the father of my children. Secretly I thought there was an outside chance I might even be pregnant by now. Well I think part of that might have come true. I think that Sophie may well be my life partner, she just happens to be a she instead of a he; so some expectations have to be adjusted. Seriously, Sophie is the loveliest thing to happen to me for a very long time, maybe ever. I love her soul. And although we have known each other for less than a year I have never felt so compatible or at ease with another human being. Of course in many ways our relationship is very new and fresh and geographic circumstances mean we have really spent very little time together. If somebody else were telling me this I would tell them not to let their emotions get the better of them. “You can’t possibly know each other well enough to be thinking these thoughts,” I would say. But I do think these thoughts and I do know. She makes me feel fully grown.
So now, unless Mum’s health takes a sudden turn for the worst, I am off to Zurich to see the New Year in with the person who made this year beautiful for me.
I wonder what unexpected things I will be saying this time next year.
HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYBODY!