It’s a good job that nicotine doesn’t have quite such anti social and immediately threatening effects as alcohol or I might have to join a support group, put my hand up and confess “My name is Cassie an I am a nicotine addict.”
I realised with a certain amount of alarm this week that I have been a regular smoker for more than half of my life. I have been in Austria which is very much a smoker’s paradise and have been able to enjoy a cigarette with my coffee in cafes, with my wine in bars and night clubs and even with my breakfast coffee. It’s great! (Oh, I’m not supposed to say that, am I?).
I don’t know what constitutes a heavy smoker these days. In my parent’s generation a lot of smokers got through several packs a day. One of my uncles (a very typical Irish Catholic used to “religiously” smoke sixty cigarettes a day except during lent when he wouldn’t smoke at all. I have never smoked that much but I do regularly smoke between 15 and 20 per day… Is that a lot? Should I care?
Some years ago I had a boyfriend who had a “smoking fetish”; it turned him on to watch people (especially me) smoke. At first I found that very odd and became quite self concious about smoking in front of him. He didn’t want me to do any strange sexual things with cigarettes (just as well!) but he just found women who smoked sexy. In fact he told me the more natural and un-posey the smoker was the better. Apparently I passed the test. Moreover I think I picked up his fetish a bit. I began to notice the subtle differences in the way people smoked cigarettes and yes I do sometimes find it attractive and sexy. My friends have always mostly been smokers; it seems to go with the territory of the kind of people I hang out with. I try to be fair, but while it is not an absolute I do tend to find smokers are generally more interesting people. Perhaps they are more prone to taking risks, perhaps there is a slightly dark and self destructive edge to people who smoke, perhaps they are just more sociable… Perhaps I shouldn’t over analyse!
What I know is I still enjoy my addiction. I have never even remotely wanted to stop. Yes I worry about my health sometimes; but I take care of myself in other ways and all my recent checks have shown that my lungs and the rest of me are in pretty good condition.
So yes I will confess my addiction. Nicotine is without doubt part of my internal chemistry by now both physically and psychologically I am sure. But I don’t actually feel bad or guilty about it. And oddly I don’t have any doubt that I could stop smoking in an instant if I wanted or needed to…
And what brought on this post. Well, I have a long wait for a plane in an airport where you can smoke, drink coffee and use wifi at the same time. So what’s a girl to do???