This is always a time of the year for being a bit reflective, to look back at what has happened during the year. I think it is also a time to look ahead.
In terms of things happening the stand out events of this year were everything leading up to the sale of my mothers’s house. The best part of that was a blissful summer holiday with my partner and her child, giving the old house an epilogue of happy memories for the walls to soak up. But then finally in the late autumn, after more than a year of lawyers and packing, my old place was actually sold and I walked out down the garden path for the last time. I shed more than a few tears on that occasion.
At least the sale secured my mother’s place in the care home for the foreseeable future. During this year I have watched dementia claim more and more of her mind and memories. This Christmas has not been happy because it is the first one during which my mum clearly didn’t know who I was or understand any of the festivities going on around her. She is barely able to speak now and the few words she does say don’t make sense at all any more. I feel I have lost my mum although she is still physically there. There are no words I could say here which would convey the depths of my feelings about that, but perhaps some of my more empathic readers and those who also have dementia in their family will understand.
It would be too easy to dwell on the above but there have been happy and positive things this year too; the most important of which is the deepening relationship with my girlfriend Sophie and her daughter. They are my family now;- such a small phrase but such huge ramifications. I could think of several things to say about that which would all sound like cliché’s, but they would still be true. The broadest but truest clichés would be that they make me complete and they make me a better, more whole person.
Looking back through my posts this year I see I have written a lot about sexuality; nothing new there, but the perspective has changed a bit. I have always been a supporter of people being free to express their true sexuality and to live lives that afford them the best chance of happiness. I have always been dismayed by the hostility and lack of tolerance some people show to those who are gay, bisexual or transgender. But now that I have become one half of what most people would see as a lesbian couple these issues do seem a bit more personal and urgent.
Yet what I feel has changed most in me and my outlook on life has less to do with sexuality and more to do emotional and spiritual development. I feel I have left the “Maiden” phase of life behind to a large degree and entered to “Mother” phase. I believe I still look fairly young and attractive but there are a few persistent winkles under the make up and grey hairs disguised by dye, and I like it that way. I love Sophie’s daughter as if she were my own and feel extremely protective of her. When thinking about the future my nest-building instincts are totally in charge.
Spiritually I am more secure in my path despite the fact that there have been a few challenges to my beliefs and lifestyle this year. My closest friends and most esteemed internet followers have stayed with me or given me the benefit of the doubt if they don’t quite agree with my views, but I have lost some friends this year on account of my beliefs. And I have had to be less open and more economical with the truth in some circumstances than I would like. But at the same time I have made new friends in Satanic circles and much of my social life and writing revolves around Satanism these days. It is just a part of me, like my tattoos but even more deeply engraved in my soul.
So what about the future? What about 2014? Well I never like to predict things or even plan things too far ahead. As a witch I could consult the Tarot or the Dark Mirror as I am occasionally asked to do for others; but for myself I never really want to know what’s round the corner until I get there. There are a few plans and ideas I can open about though…
I’ll be spending New Year in Zurich with Sophie and (I’m sure this won’t shock any regular readers) we will be spending part of our time flat hunting with the aim of moving in together as soon as possible. So I will be leaving my home in the UK and becoming a resident of Switzerland. I’m excited. My German is okay, hopefully by this time next year Ill be able to clam that I’m truly bilingual.
In the summer Sophie and I may go on an extended holiday to somewhere exotic…
There is a promise of a promotion at work. This has come up before but this time they more or less let me write my own job description so that should also happen in the early part of the year. I’ll still be frequently travelling and teaching in central Europe but will have a bit more time in the office to organise and write resources and training programs for our teachers. And I’ll be bridging the gap between our academic department and the sales team. Yes, and I’ll be getting more money!
I am not sure what will happen to this blog. I feel I have neglected it a bit during this year. I am not really sure who is interested in my views on life the universe and everything… I have written much more this year in my other blog, Devil’s Advocate which is specifically about Satanism and my writing there seems more focused. Sometimes I have felt like ending this blog just because I can’t imagine who is interested in the rambling thoughts of an itinerant teacher, witch, musical fan… And yet… I like reading it. I like looking back to see where I have been. I like the process of refining my thoughts and ideas into simple words that might even make sense to others… And ultimately, isn’t blogging to a large degree writing for ourselves? So I will continue but there may be some changes and I am hoping that this will not only be a recording of my journey but also a recording of the journey that Sophie and Cassie make together. So, watch this space!
The other thing I love about blogging is the community of people you get to know and follow. I continue to learn a great deal from those who follow me and think of many of you guys as friends by now…
So, to all my regular readers, thank you for being you, thank you for sharing your thoughts and expertise and for exposing aspects of your soul to me through this medium. I wish you all the best for the coming year, I wish you strength to meet every challenge and plenty of opportunities to be happy to the core of your being.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!