Bondage, Dominance, Submission, Trust, Love

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Sophie and I have been planning for some time to write something here about BDSM and the darker areas of love and sex in general. We may describe some of our kinkier experiences of sex with each other and with other people but we felt that first some explanations are needed. Perhaps first up, why should we write about such things in the first place?

Well the first answer is it might be enlightening and educational for some people and of course it might be entertaining for some too. This blog is fairly obviously and pointedly aimed at adults only. But equally importantly it is cathartic for us. Perhaps one of the darker aspects of our own sexuality is that we are unapologetic egotists, we’ll admit here and now that it turns us on to give public glimpses of ourselves in a controlled way. Anyone who is put off by that should head for the door. However, having said that, we are also quite sensitive and sensible people. There are millions of people who write about these things, perhaps we can do it in a way that is more sensible and down to earth than many.

We are not heavily into the BDSM scene, but we have experience of it and we do incorporate many aspects of it into our own sex lives. We can both switch between dominance and submission; we have several kinks and fetishes in common and a few extra individual ones. Sex in all its variety has pretty much always been important to both of us. We both feel blessed that nature made us bisexual because that has allowed us to experience things which people who are completely one way or the other might never know.

I was 15 when I lost my virginity to a guy who was only slightly older than myself. It was all very nice and in an ironic way I suppose, very innocent. He was my boyfriend for the best part of a year after that. We had good sex, enjoyable sex… Pretty much all my memories of that time and that relationship are good ones. Very occasionally we meet up again and there is still a lot of warmth between us. We have not slept together since that relationship ended and I doubt that we ever will again, but there is something special about your first time and your first real lover… It was all very nice.

But I think I knew from the beginning that I wanted a more interesting and adventurous sex life. I still like “nice” sex, but I always wanted to explore my own boundaries and find out more about myself and other people through sex. I was always keen to experiment. Over time I have realised that not everybody feels the same way. Some are less experimental. Some never have any desire to experience sex that is anything beyond pleasant and comfortable and loving. That is fine, but some of us are not made that way. I am not. My partner is not. We have both always enjoyed variety in our sex lives and we like to explore what are sometimes referred to as the darker areas of our sexuality and sexual tastes.

As ever; by dark I don’t really mean bad, but those areas of sexuality and psychology which are kept hidden and often deemed as being unusual, kinky or naughty. Areas where to some degree the boarders between pleasure and pain may merge, where voice and feeling are given to parts of the self that are often repressed. For Sophie and I it is just another aspect of our way of life and philosophy in which we value both the lighter and darker aspects of ourselves and seek to integrate them as fully as possible. We are big believers in Jungian philosophy and psychology and in sex, as in all aspects of our life, we seek balance by working with our shadow side and making peace with our demons. As some may know, our spiritual life follows the same pattern.

All very philosophical, but what does it all mean? As somebody very innocently and honestly asked me recently, “What is the point of all that darker sexual stuff? Don’t you have pleasure just from being intimate and making love passionately with the one you love? Isn’t it just a kind of addictive thrill seeking which lessens the value of love itself?”

Good questions, and actually not all that easy to answer…

Firstly love. Yes that is the most important thing and without it any kind of sex, even if thoroughly enjoyable, is a lesser thing than making love. I can shudder with emotion just by brushing my lips against Sophie. I can bring myself to orgasm just by imagining how she touches me; and I can cry myself to sleep from missing her. Having darker or kinkier sex can be great and rewarding without love, but when combined with love it is so much better. Moreover many of the kinkier kinds of sex depend totally on love, respect and trust between the participants in order for such activities to elevate you to another level of experience.

Even in the most simple forms of bondage which I’m sure pretty much everyone experiments with at some stage, allowing somebody to tie you up or restrain you in any way is ultimately a huge act of trust. If that trust is broken, if you are hurt or in any way distressed by what what your partner does while you are tied up, it can be an awful experience and could and probably should be the end of a relationship (and could even lead to rape charges). On the other hand if your partner knows you well enough to pleasure you to your limits and just a little beyond perhaps, it can be a sublime experience. Also knowing that somebody trusts you enough to let you restrain them and control them to some degree is a huge honour and responsibility. I’d say it was a very meaningful sign of love in fact.

It can indeed become addictive to look for ever more extreme ways to be turned on sexually and some people may damage themselves and others in such a quest. There is a real danger there. However, most people can control themselves or learn to; indeed that is part of what life is about. People can become addicted to just about anything from cream cakes to computer games, the test of a person’s charecter is retaining self control and/or knowing when to stop. Some will fail. Most will learn and grow. Sophie and I believe very strongly indeed that people’s potential to grow should not be hindered because a few are unable to.

But we are getting too philosophical again…

Next time, Sophie the dominatrix. 😉

One response to “Bondage, Dominance, Submission, Trust, Love

  1. I will send you two a private email in more detail, but yes BDSM is the salt n pepper n other spices for the buffet of Sex. I am into BD but not so much SM as i wish no scars or pain beyond pleasure. I start with vanilla, then move into tuti-fruity , then into deep chocolate rocky road if u want to use ice cream analogies, but as i am not into role playing Too long i revert to just animal Sex.
    Ah to find the right mate and lover…… long have i sought…. getting mostly vanillas who talk of experimenting. i am a perfect gentleman and let them thru the game. Then the rewards, oh the rewards. Vanilla, especially at my age and decades of experience and things don’t work quite as well as they used to in my 30s-40s, but i get the job done so to speak, for both, and my lover gets 10X more than i allow her to give me….
    I am changing Sophie and Cassie. I am not sure what i am changing into. Something similar to you two, which i have Always been, but had to hide as the grand poobah of the CoC. I am tired of being pc with people i know underneath are Not pc but walk that walk for survival and a job. I am surprised u can post this site n still maintain yr jobs, but then it is Switzerland….
    I have some heavy blog posts in draft form that are going to blow away the spies on my blog and the few coverers there who have pc’s and who actually follow me, one of which is a good friend and apprentice both ways, and another jut likes to spy and btch about my lifestyle. Well, Honi Soit Qi Mal y Pense is all i have to save. Ave Satanis Baphometus Babalon.

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