Category Archives: Family

All women are bisexual…Sexual Identity

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In my mid twenties it became important for me to assert my sexual identity as bisexual. It seemed to me it was either deny it or live it and I chose to live it. Some people don’t make a big deal about such things. I don’t think I made a big deal about it, but I did make a deal of it to some degree. I was kind of aware that many of my choices in life were slightly against the norm. I was a pagan, I was a witch, I hung out with artists and musicians, I had tattoos, I drank and smoked quite a lot and most of the people I chose to have as friends were similar in many ways to me. But while my life and lifestyle may have seemed to be a bit outside society’s norms, it was normal for me. I had always been equally as attracted to women  as I had been to men sexually. The choice aspect was simply whether to live as a bisexual or to deny that side of things to myself. There was always a rebellious part of me (which still very much exists) which wanted to be open and upfront about my sexuality to challenge those who still clung to what I believe to be archaic prejudices about sex, race and gender. And so I was pretty open about being bisexual and I made the most of the opportunities that opened out to me!

Over the years my feelings about my own sexuality and sexuality in general have fluctuated a bit. There was a time when I thought women might be just for fun while men might be for longer term relationships involving babies and such. Then I went through a stage where I could quite happily identify as purely lesbian. I am now in a very happy and stable relationship with Sophie. However what has become clear is that neither of us are really lesbians. Our sexual tastes have grown and developed as a couple but we are both very aware of being bisexual. Luckily we have very similar tastes in men…

In any case we are pretty much at an age now where we don’t really care much about what others think. We do our own kinky things together and sometimes with others and it’s nobody’s business but ours. But a couple of things lately made me think about this subject again.

My step-daughter has become sexually active in the last year and is probably rather more self confident and worldly wise than I was at her age. (Although I was pretty keen to experiment and quick to learn myself)! What kind of fascinated me about her view of things is the degree to which sexuality seems like a non issue to her. Or rather, bisexuality is a non issue. It’s as if for her bisexuality is the default position. Perhaps that is how it should be. Perhaps the fact that she has been brought up by bisexual parents is an obvious factor. But it just seems curious to me that something which I felt obliged to “come out” and make a bit of a stand about, is even more normal to her than it was for myself and Sophie at her age. I think it is a good thing of course.

Then there was a study published this week that states that “most women are bisexual or gay but very seldom straight”.  http://www.pinknews.co.uk/2015/11/05/most-women-are-either-gay-or-bisexual-but-never-straight-says-study/

The survey found that straight women were strongly sexually aroused by videos of both attractive men and attractive women – despite identifying as heterosexual. By contrast, women who identified as lesbians exhibited a much stronger sexual response to women than to men. Dr Rieger, the leader of the the study said,   “Even though the majority of women identify as straight, our research clearly demonstrates that when it comes to what turns them on, they are either bisexual or gay, but never straight”

The Pink News article also goes on to report another study which found that; ” 43% of people identify themselves as somewhere between exclusively homosexual and exclusively heterosexual – showing people increasingly see sexuality in a less polarised way.”

Well I think all of this is progress and it is all good. Indeed anecdotally I had come to the same conclusions myself. I have often said said that I think most people are somewhere on a spectrum of sexuality and very few people are exclusively one end or the other. I also believe that where we are on the scale can vary to some degree at different points of our life.

But there is something about these latest surveys that disturbs me. I don’t know what it is exactly. Partly it is because these results were published in various newspapers in a style that seemed mainly aimed at titillating the readers. In particular at titillating men. I also think there is a big difference between what turns people on in theory and what people’s sexuality actually is, a point which the first survey ignores. Also in part I think I resent scientists and the fullness of time being required to somehow legitimate feelings which are in essence perfectly normal and perfectly human. Perhaps I am just getting old!

Anyway I hope the main thrust of these reports is true and that our society is beginning to grow up about sex. My step daughter’s generation have inherited a lot of political, social and environmental problems which they will have to deal with. Hopefully they can at least enjoy full and happy sex lives in peace.

~Cassie~

Those of us who do.

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Our daughter recently got her first tattoo (well two small ones actually; one on her shoulder, another on her ankle). From her reaction, I doubt if they will be her last. She seems to have inherited our ink addiction along with several other vices that run in our family; smoking cigarettes for example…

After getting her tattoo we stopped off for a celebratory glass of wine and a cigarette in a nearby bar. While there she made an observation that most of the people in the smoking section also had tattoos. This is something I have noticed before but haven’t thought much about recently. Of course not all people who have tattoos smoke, and not all people who smoke have tattoos; but there does seem to be a significant correlation… And I don’t think it stops there…

Sophie, Tina and I seem to be in that group of people who do all the things that society often regards as dangerous, riske or taboo. We are the bad girls (and of course there are bad boys too). We are the ones that do.

Some people may think that Sophie and I are setting our daughter a bad example. We both smoke and drink quite a lot. We are both covered in tattoos. We both like to party when we have the opportunity. We swear and curse in a variety of languages. We are libertines who have interesting and active sex lives. We blag our way backstage at gigs and openings to meet interesting people. We are respectable and moral in our own way but we are certainly not prim, clean living, virtuous women.

And at the tender age of 16 our daughter is already following in our footsteps in many ways and no doubt has her own secrets and vices as well. Perhaps we should hold back… Perhaps we should sit her down and explain that we are not great role models… Perhaps we should be or should have been more strict and forbid her to do all the dangerous and naughty things we have been doing since we were her age?

Perhaps we should feel guilty that this innocent sixteen year old is already smoking as much as we do, swearing as much as we do, probably drinking more than she tells us, starting to enjoy and experiment with sex as much as we do, tainting her clear skin with ink as we have done, and who knows what else??

Well we don’t feel guilty. We are glad. We want her to be one of the people who does. For us, that is important.

Sophie and I hope to live for a long time and perhaps we will because we have a lot more pleasure in life and thus less stress than many people do. But because of our smoking and drinking and other things we do or have done we acknowledge we are at greater risk of some illnesses than others might be. Tina’s life prospects might be impacted in a similar way. Even so, if I were to die tomorrow, this ink stained and still quite nimble body will be evidence of a life fully lived and experienced. I’m quite sure as I approach the end of my thirties that I have already seen and done more than a lot of people twice my age. I wouldn’t wish anything less or anything more boring for my daughter. I am glad Tina is becoming one of those bad girls who do naughty but exciting stuff and I wish her all the fun, excitement and adventure in the world.

I guess all this sounds quite hedonistic? Well yes, we are for sure hedonists. But what a lot of people don’t understand is that hedonism doesn’t rule out being a nice, kind person. This is not the place to boast but Sophie and I both do a lot to help other people through our work and other activities. As for our daughter, everything she wants to do in her life and career revolves around helping other people and animals. She may swear like a trooper and she may have replaced her childhood innocence with adult pleasures and pastimes but she has a heart of pure gold and that is not likely to change.

The truth is, “those of us who do” are pretty cool people once you get to know us. Many of us are actually “nice” (although we might not admit it out loud).

Cassie

Six Years Old!

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According to WordPress it is six years since I started this blog. A lot has happened and changed in six years!

Sophie and I have been writing this blog together for the last few years but she said this anniversary post should be by me. Below you can see my very first blog entry here. It makes me cringe a bit to read it now but I guess the person who made it is still a large part of the person I am. After that you can read a summery of our most popular posts with a few thoughts from me. the there are some nice and progressively naughty photos we have posted over the years. And then a few thoughts going forward.

So this was my first ever post. (I’ll blush in a corner while you read it).

Well I don’t intend to write something here every day but since I have half an hour spare and I want to put some meat on the bones of this blog I might as well write something while I’m sipping wine and smoking my last but one cigarette of the day…

The day started well. I woke up early and, well let’s say eagerly. Andy is staying over for a few days. We both travel a lot in our jobs and so the rare times we actually spend together are precious. Thus, the first few hours of the morning were, let’s say, energetic and satisfying! 😉 It left me with an energy buzz which, thankfully, has stayed with me through most of the day.

After Andy left to go off to a meeting in London,  I went round to my Mum’s. She wasn’t having a good day; very confused and forgetful and generally very frail. I took her for a walk and then cooked dinner for her. It worries me how much she depends on me and in a couple of weeks I’ll be working abroad for a couple of months again and I’m seriously concerned about how she will cope. I am trying to persuade her to get some help, but she is being very stubborn.

I am sure there are some who would think that if I am really a witch I should be able to do some quick magic spell to make her well again. I only wish life was that simple. That’s not to say I don’t try some things from time to time;- energy work mostly. However, in order to transfer positive and healthy energy to her I have to be careful not to absorb too much of her fear, frustration and depression. That is not so easy as I am an empath.

This afternoon I spent some time on my lap-top (mostly setting up this blog) and bullied Mum into going for another short walk for some fresh air. Then I stayed at her place watching TV untill she went to bed. Then I came home…

Andy will be back any minute and it will be nice to just snuggle for a while… Mind you I am hoping my last ciggie of the day will be a post coital one!

…I think I got my wish. Andy and I split up amicably not long after. It turns out that was my last serious relationship with a man. When I started this blog I described myself as bisexual and wrote quite a lot of posts on that topic. Now I guess I’m still bisexual but I identify more as a lesbian. Meeting Sophie and moving in with her has been one of the happiest and most significant changes of the last six years.

I’m still a witch but whereas I used to be quite passionately pagan, I am now even more passionately Satanist.

My mother’s deterioration and eventual death last year was the most difficult and saddest thing to bare during the last six years. It is something I am still coming to terms with.

Here is a list of our most popular posts according to WordPress.

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I think it is significant and somewhat pleasing that The Accidental Lesbian comes in at the top of the list, it is the one post that encapsulates the biggest change in my persona during the past six years.

There are several posts about smoking in the list. In fact we were writing on that subject so often that we started a separate blog for it.

I’m glad Little Talks by Of Monsters And Men made it into the list as our most popular musical post. It is still my favourites song of the last decade and has all sorts of personal meanings to me.

And regular readers will not be at all surprised that most of the other posts in the list are about various aspects of sex and sexuality. Funnily enough I think the Cassie of six years ago would have found that quite surprising.

And here are a few photos that I like from the last six years.

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Kissing

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Waterhouse Lady Of Shalott

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Inked Girls Gallery 143 (7)

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I am without doubt a darker and harder person than I was when this this blog began but I am far more secure and happier in my own skin.

My lover is my life partner. I have a daughter whom I love as much as if she had come from my own loins.

I don’t know what will happen to this blog in the months and years to come but the story of Cassie and Sophie will continue.

Sad News

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Cassie’s Mother died during the holiday.

As some of you may know she was suffering from a form of early onset dementia and she died from complications arising from that and a recent fall. She was a wonderful woman and her passing is a great loss to all who knew and loved her. Although we knew it would happen sooner or later we didn’t expect it now and Cassie is of course devastated.

We will be taking a break from all internet activities for a while until we have come to terms with what has happened.

Thank you for your understanding and support. Sophie.

Christmas Reality Bites

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Cassie and I have been working on some quite naughty and revealing things to put in this blog. This will still happen but perhaps not until the New Year. I think in 2015 this blog will become darker and sexier, but not just yet. Right now doesn’t seem appropriate…

We have been planning to celebrate this Christmas season together in Zurich, just me Cassie and my daughter. It has been a big year for the three of us and we want to celebrate as a family reflecting on all we have been through, all that has changed in our lives and where we are at now.

And we will do that, but there has been a complication.

Those who have been reading this blog for a long time will know that it started as Cassie’s blog several years before she met me and we got together. You may also remember that Cassie’s mother is ill, suffering from a rare form of early onset dementia. Sadly her condition has recently deteriorated badly. So our Christmas plans are a little bit on hold.

Since Cassie and I moved in together she has of course managed to visit her mother in England at least once every month. We don’t write about it because there is usually not much to say except that there is no change in her mother’s condition and the whole situation is quite sad. Well now her mother has suffered a bad fall and some broken bones and because of the other problems with her health the outlook is not looking good.

Cassie went to England yesterday and we don’t yet know where we will actually spend Christmas. But we will be together no matter what happens.

I would like to write an essay about how amazingly Cassie copes with this sader side of her life but she wouldn’t want me to. However she did say I could mention what is going on in our lives at the moment for background information. There are many sides to all people, including us.

We wish our readers all the best in this winter holiday season. If you are celebrating, do it in style and have fun!

 

An honest and sensible post about drugs.

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I had intended to write a fairly humorous post called “Sophie’s Scary Bong” in which I would talk about how Sophie corrupted me and reintroduced me to the pleasures of weed with her her bong, which is indeed a scary looking piece of equipment.

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But then as we were discussing the post Sophie and I realised that in many people’s opinion you can’t really talk openly about this subject and certainly not with any sense of reality. We have friends in other countries who would never talk about the various substances they use for various reasons for fear that some kind of authority may be monitoring what they write. Perhaps they do…

So let’s start from the beginning. There is so much misinformation and hypocrisy about drugs. We grow up in a world where drugs exist in a kind of twilight world between reality and fantasy, between legality and illegality and between insanity and common sense. In some ways all drugs are ridiculously lumped together as if they are a single terrible thing; and then they are split up arbitrarily between good drugs and bad drugs. Good drugs are the ones that reduce pain and cure illnesses (unless that drug is cannabis, of course) the bad drugs are the ones which can do you harm but which have enjoyable effects like alcohol and tobacco (except of course that alcohol and even tobacco are still socially acceptable pleasures in most parts of the world).

Still, when we are young we are told that drugs are bad. Drugs are the province of bad people, weak people and criminals. Nice people don’t do drugs. But then we begin to read and watch TV and we discover that in some walks of life some drugs seem to be pretty much part of the furniture. It seems that everyone from Sherlock Holmes to Elvis Presley; religious shaman, scientists, artists and writers all use drugs sometimes. But of course that is in that other world of other people who we read about and see in the media; but it’s not “real”people, not “nice” people, not the boy or girl next door… And then, shock horror, we see that nice boy next door smoking a spliff and we hear that dear old Aunty Alice was once arrested for being in possession of some illegal substances. Our comfortable world where nice people don’t do drugs is looking rather fragile.

But still we know the mantras. If we try drugs we are going to become junkies, our skin will age, we’ll start thieving to buy more drugs, we’ll lose our minds and our souls and we’ll die young, broken and unloved. Yet we have a few friends by this time who use recreational drugs and they don’t seem to be depraved junkies at all. And then we are offered something in a nightclub, and perhaps we try it, and perhaps we don’t die and perhaps we feel great…

Now before you go thinking this is going to be a blatantly pro drugs post that is completely dismissive of the dangers drugs can involve; you are wrong. From personal experience I can say the worst thing that ever happened to me was drug related, and it was very bad and it took me quite a long time to recover from. I would not wish that on anyone. I have also had to stand by helplessly when some of my friends have been suffering due to their own drug addiction or the addiction of people they love. And yes, I have cried at a few funerals of people who died far too young mainly as a result of drug use. And yet I do still smoke cannabis. I have experimented with quite a few things and enjoyed many of them. I don’t feel any desire to take any other drugs at this time of my life but I don’t rule out the possibility that I might one day…

So can we have an honest and sensible talk about drugs? Could we say something that can help our daughter to make sensible decisions when these temptations came her way?

The first thing is that we are not going to be hypocritical. We both smoke cigarettes, we both drink alcohol and for most of our adult lives we have both been occasional drug users. To begin from any other perspective would be a lie that any intelligent young person would soon see through. Moreover, our limited experience of the twilight world of drugs is not unique at all; most of the people we know and associate with have very similar life experience. I would venture to suggest that the reality is that most people in the western world have more experience of drugs than it is generally acceptable to admit. For many people drugs are part of life in one way or another.

Our view begins with the obvious fact that drugs are not all the same. Every chemical substance we introduce into our bodies has different effects, different advantages and different dangers. Some substances can kill you very quickly, while other substances may never kill you but could still change you or cause damage. Some substances can cure disease and or reduce pain and suffering but those very same things could also kill you if you take too much. In view of all this it seems utterly ridiculous to lump all drugs together as if they are the same thing.

People need to make informed choices and that means information should be openly available and discussed. And discussion should always begin with honesty.

Our second point is that the criminalisation of drug use only serves criminals, in fact it creates a whole industry for them and removes any possibility of control or standardisation for legal authorities. Pretty much all the the organised crime in the world and a large amount of terrorism is completely funded by illegal drug mafias. Moreover, what possible good does it do to brand hardened drug addicts or occasional drug users as criminals? In what way does that help them to overcome their problems?

Where we live it is legal to possess a certain amount of cannabis for personal use so Sophie and I are not breaking any laws. However even here we are aware that not far down the chain of supply there must be illegal activity going on at an international level. We wish that were not the case.

Personally we don’t think cannabis is any more harmful than tobacco or alcohol unless it’s used obsessively (and that would apply to practically anything else you can buy legally). It makes us angry that in some places you could in theory be arrested just for possessing cannabis while the bottles of spirits in your cupboard would be ignored and seen as harmless. We don’t want to make this whole post about cannabis/marijuana but would like to note that this substance has many beneficial medical effects and if it could be farmed legally it could become a life saving cash crop in many deprived parts of the world. Again we are appalled at the stupidity of gift wrapping this entire industry to the criminal fraternity.

We’d like to make the point that for as long as humans have existed they have used substances with mind/mood altering capabilities for pleasure, for medicine and for religious/shamanistic ritual. It is nothing new. It is nothing inherently bad. It is something human beings have always wanted, needed and enjoyed.

No drug is bad in itself. But how humans use, control and administer drugs can be damaging, harmful (in many ways) and incredibly stupid.

As we said, not all drugs are the same. We have never used heroine but we have known people who have and it nearly always ends badly. Therefore, based on real life experience we would strongly advise people not to use or even experiment with heroine. However even in this case we don’t think criminalising heroine use helps anybody except the criminals. Here in Switzerland there are several schemes by which heroine addicts can bypass the criminal fraternity and get their fixes in a legal and controlled way. Controlled meaning there is help and support to reduce their heroine use or get off it completely. Isn’t that a better philosophy?

Between heroine at one end and alcohol and cannabis (and even caffeine) at the other end of the scale there is a vast spectrum of substances that can be classified as drugs. Some are naturally occurring things like mushrooms while others are man made chemical cocktails. All of them can do harm but all of them can also be pleasurable to experience; if that were not the case nobody would ever use them.

And the fact is people do use them whether they are legal or not. A lot of people. Perhaps even the majority of people.

We have a daughter who is the most precious thing in the world to us. Of course we want her to live a very long, very happy and very healthy life. We don’t want her to suffer any problems or any ill health ever. But we do want her to live. When it comes to the time that she has to make choices about drugs we want her to be able to make informed choices based on facts and honesty. We hope she will find plenty of ways to enhance her life and have fun without using any drugs at all. But we are aware that like us, she may sometimes decide to take some risks in the ways she lives and enjoys her life. We want those to be informed risks. We want her and all young people to grow up in a world where there is some honesty and clarity. A world where the adults she meets don’t say one thing while secretly doing the opposite.

A world where adults are free and empowered to make adult decisions.

A world where law and taboo don’t make it impossible to speak openly and honestly about serious issues. Where we don’t have to lie about our lives.

And in that world we think there would be far fewer problems and far less risk to health associated with drugs.

For all our children.

 

Smoking with my daughter, death and life.

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Yesterday evening I gave my daughter a cigarette and we sat down and smoked together. She is only 14. Shocking? irresponsible? Bad?

Well even I will admit to being shocked by the unexpected way it happened. Of course it caused me to question the example Cassie and I have been setting her and to think about how strict I should be as a mother. But I really don’t think I am being irresponsible or bad.

We had just cleared away the dishes after dinner, and then we sat down for a chat in the kitchen as we often do. I poured myself some wine and lit a cigarette as  I usually do in the evenings and suddenly she asked if she could have one of my cigarettes. Yes, I was shocked (although I tried not to show it), this is my little girl after all! I could have just said no. I could have gotten angry at the idea that she was smoking and thought it was okay to tell me in such a casual way without getting into trouble… But I didn’t. I gave her a cigarette and we had a chat. She assured me that she didn’t smoke regularly but that she had occasionally smoked cigarettes with friends at parties or just on the way to school, and that she liked it. She said she had never actually bought any cigarettes and they were too expensive to even think of smoking regularly even if she wanted to. But she also said she had no doubt that she would smoke more regularly when she was older and that she didn’t want to sneak behind my back to do so.

As she was speaking I was of course watching her smoke with a strange fascination. I half expected her to cough and choke but she didn’t. This obviously wasn’t the first cigarette she had smoked. Actually she was inhaling in a disturbingly natural way. I couldn’t decide if I felt devastated, angry or rather proud…

Now as some of you may know Cassie and I both smoke and furthermore we feel quite strongly that adults should be allowed to smoke if they want to and we are against all the anti smoking legislation that is common these days. We like smoking. We smoke cigarettes and cigars sometimes and we even have an occasional blog called “Smokers Writes”. So I suppose we have given an impression to my daughter and perhaps to others that it is okay to smoke, despite the health risks. Is that a very bad thing?

Well first I am going to tell you what I said to my daughter and then I will tell you why. And perhaps I should warn that a lot of people may think I am very bad and very wrong.

Firstly I told her that I was pleased she felt she could be open and honest with me about this and that I hoped she would always feel that way. I told her I thought she was too young to be smoking regularly. I admitted that Cassie and I were heavy smokers who speak openly about the positive side of smoking but I also stated that we are undoubtedly addicts and that nicotine is very quick and easy to get addicted to and I didn’t want her to become addicted at such a young age. I said I didn’t want to think of her dying of a horrible disease and I gave her a mini lecture on the health risks of smoking (which of course she knew anyway). I said I was never going to buy her cigarettes or increase her allowance just so that she could afford them. However, I also said that I don’t mind her smoking the occasional cigarette and I don’t think it is a big sin. I said that she shouldn’t expect Cassie or myself to offer her our cigarettes at home or when we go out, but that it might happen from time to time. I said we would have great respect for her if, over the next few years she decided not to smoke at all and that if she decided that, we would completely stop smoking at home in order to make it easier for her. But on the other hand once she was 14, if she still wanted to smoke I would write her a permission to use the smokers area at school and that she could smoke in our smoking areas at home without having to ask about it again.

So why did I say those things?

Well firstly I don’t want my daughter to think I am a hypocrite. She knows that both Cassie and I smoked when we were quite young. I think we were both 15 or 16 before we were smoking regularly but we had smoked off and on for a while before that  and I guess we were about my daughter’s age when we first started experimenting. Secondly I don’t want this to become a point of rebellion between my daughter and myself and I do genuinely respect her for being able to be honest with me about the fact that she has smoked a few cigarettes. I think experimenting with cigarettes is a kind of right of passage a lot of adolescents go through and I think it is important for me to come to terms with the fact that my little girl has reached this stage and it is important for her to know that I respect the fact that she is growing up. And for her to know that I will always love her no matter what happens. And finally the truth is I don’t really think there is much wrong with smoking cigarettes.

I totally accept that there are serious health risks attached to smoking. The idea that myself or Cassie may die a slow, painful death because of our smoking horrifies me. The idea that my own precious daughter could die in such a way is too painful to think about. But it could happen and I take full responsibility that as a smoker and as an advocate for smoking and smokers rights I may have made that fate a little bit more likely for my daughter.

However, I am not going to be a hypocrite or change my strong opinions now just because of this. I don’t think smoking is the social evil that some people believe it to be and nor do I think it’s risks to health are a reason not to smoke. None of us want to die of so called smoking related illnesses, but the fact is none of us really want to die at all. But we can’t change that fact. We will all die one day and not smoking does not guarantee that we will live longer or die painlessly. Cassie and I know of plenty of people who have died of smoking related diseases who actually never smoked at all. And sadly we also know of people who died young in accidents.

Cassie and I think that some sections of society are so afraid of dying that they have actually become afraid to live. Our opinion is that we have no control at all over how and when we die, but we do have some control over how we live. If smoking cigarettes adds something to the quality of life for some of us, then that is a good thing. If it adds to my daughter’s pleasure in life I have no objection to it. I think that quality of life is more important than quantity. Certainly I hope to live to be a hundred or more and of course I wish the same for my daughter. In reality such a long life is doubtful. But I hope that when the end comes, Cassie, Tina and I will all be able to say that we lived filly and squeezed every bit of pleasure out of it.

And finally of course I know that my daughter will probably read this. I have said nothing here that I wouldn’t be happy for her to read. She makes me immensely proud every day. She has been a beautiful and amazing child and she will become equally amazing as an adult and I will continue to love her without any limits.

Sophie