Category Archives: relationships

Those of us who do.


Our daughter recently got her first tattoo (well two small ones actually; one on her shoulder, another on her ankle). From her reaction, I doubt if they will be her last. She seems to have inherited our ink addiction along with several other vices that run in our family; smoking cigarettes for example…

After getting her tattoo we stopped off for a celebratory glass of wine and a cigarette in a nearby bar. While there she made an observation that most of the people in the smoking section also had tattoos. This is something I have noticed before but haven’t thought much about recently. Of course not all people who have tattoos smoke, and not all people who smoke have tattoos; but there does seem to be a significant correlation… And I don’t think it stops there…

Sophie, Tina and I seem to be in that group of people who do all the things that society often regards as dangerous, riske or taboo. We are the bad girls (and of course there are bad boys too). We are the ones that do.

Some people may think that Sophie and I are setting our daughter a bad example. We both smoke and drink quite a lot. We are both covered in tattoos. We both like to party when we have the opportunity. We swear and curse in a variety of languages. We are libertines who have interesting and active sex lives. We blag our way backstage at gigs and openings to meet interesting people. We are respectable and moral in our own way but we are certainly not prim, clean living, virtuous women.

And at the tender age of 16 our daughter is already following in our footsteps in many ways and no doubt has her own secrets and vices as well. Perhaps we should hold back… Perhaps we should sit her down and explain that we are not great role models… Perhaps we should be or should have been more strict and forbid her to do all the dangerous and naughty things we have been doing since we were her age?

Perhaps we should feel guilty that this innocent sixteen year old is already smoking as much as we do, swearing as much as we do, probably drinking more than she tells us, starting to enjoy and experiment with sex as much as we do, tainting her clear skin with ink as we have done, and who knows what else??

Well we don’t feel guilty. We are glad. We want her to be one of the people who does. For us, that is important.

Sophie and I hope to live for a long time and perhaps we will because we have a lot more pleasure in life and thus less stress than many people do. But because of our smoking and drinking and other things we do or have done we acknowledge we are at greater risk of some illnesses than others might be. Tina’s life prospects might be impacted in a similar way. Even so, if I were to die tomorrow, this ink stained and still quite nimble body will be evidence of a life fully lived and experienced. I’m quite sure as I approach the end of my thirties that I have already seen and done more than a lot of people twice my age. I wouldn’t wish anything less or anything more boring for my daughter. I am glad Tina is becoming one of those bad girls who do naughty but exciting stuff and I wish her all the fun, excitement and adventure in the world.

I guess all this sounds quite hedonistic? Well yes, we are for sure hedonists. But what a lot of people don’t understand is that hedonism doesn’t rule out being a nice, kind person. This is not the place to boast but Sophie and I both do a lot to help other people through our work and other activities. As for our daughter, everything she wants to do in her life and career revolves around helping other people and animals. She may swear like a trooper and she may have replaced her childhood innocence with adult pleasures and pastimes but she has a heart of pure gold and that is not likely to change.

The truth is, “those of us who do” are pretty cool people once you get to know us. Many of us are actually “nice” (although we might not admit it out loud).


My introduction to kinkier sex




Cassie and I have decided to speak candidly about aspects of our sex lives here. She has already explained some of the reasons why, and there are others which we won’t go into. One thing we haven’t mentioned yet however and which we may explain more fully sometime is that we both feel that sex is a gateway into the psychology of ourselves and others. It is a way to know and express yourself in a unique way. It can be both therapy and the deepest pleasure. With that in mind I will continue. I will admit I am a bit shy of exposing this much of myself publically but I will try…

I was was a nice girl. Good at school. Polite. Well behaved. And perhaps I still carry some of those aspects with me, but I also had a darker side, a part of me that wanted to go against the grain of how people saw me. I think I looked younger and more innocent than I felt I was. I was well educated and had a pretty singing voice, so I rather liked swearing and smoking so much my voice became deep and husky. My skin was clear and in good condition so I was keen to cover it in tattoos. I was pretty and nice and kind and expected to settle down with a nice boy so I slept around and went looking for the bad boys although actually the ones I found weren’t really bad at all. Part of this was just typical teenage rebellion, but partly I was trying to find and be my true self.

In my early sex life I think I sacrificed deeper more meaningful relationships for more experience of sex. I didn’t admit it, even to myself. I played the part of the nice girlfriend but always found reason to dump the nice boys. They were lovely, I could genuinely speak for hours about how nice they were. But sexually they didn’t satisfy me. A few of them experimented with padded hand-cufs and that got me interested for a few moments; but they didn’t know what they were doing.

Then I had my first girlfriend. That was different. That was very nice at first. She was a little older and wiser than me and I liked that. But even she ultimately disappointed me in bed. We split up when I was twenty and I went several months without a lover. I even stopped masterbating, I thought I had devoted too much time and energy to sex and should concentrate more on my studies and making platonic friends and being nice to my family. And then I met the man we shall call Thomas.

Thomas was exactly twice my age. He had been married. He was an artist and musician. He knew things. He had life experience. He swept me off my feet. The first time we slept together I knew I was dealing with somebody totally different to anybody I had been with before and that excited me. Even that first time he did things that none of my other lovers had ever dared. I knew from then it was going to be an education.

One of the things that impressed me in the early days with Thomas was that he was genuinely interested in what turned me on and took the trouble to find out. Not only in the bedroom itself; he took me shopping. We went to various sex shops, places I had never been to before. We bought various toys and magazines and most importantly for me at the time I bought a new sex wardrobe. I experimented with lace and leather and rubber. I began to learn for myself what I felt sexy in and how dressing up could add spice to our sexual antics.

He took the lead in matters of sex. I was happy with that because in most previous relationships I was always somehow in control. It was good to play a more submissive part but over a few months it became clear that I was not just being the more submissive of the two… He was the Dom and I was the Sub; fully and truly. I read up about it. I played my part well. I enjoyed it. And ever more elaborate forms of bondage came to play an increasing part in our sex games.

He was good with ropes and knots. After some experiments we found different ways to bind me that were tight and controlling but not too uncomfortable. I don’t enjoy being bound so tightly that it burns or hurts although I do sometimes like there to be some marks afterward. What came to be our favourite position saw me bound in a crouching or kneeling position on the floor or on the bed or a table with my hands tied behind my back. The finishing touch was fixing a ball gag in my mouth… I am an articulate person in three languages; not being able to speak any of them was frightening, and yet exciting. All I could do was grunt and moan and very quickly I would be drooling uncontrollably. I felt like I was being reduced to my most basic, animalistic self. Sophie with all education and sophistication removed and with only the primal instinct to fuck remaining. And then he would have his way with me, often making me wait, teasing and deriding me. Sometimes he spanked me with his hands or with paddles, sometimes he would tickle me with a riding whip or whip me harder like a disobedient horse. By this time I would be desperate to feel his cock inside me, and I didn’t mind where; but again he would make me wait until I almost couldn’t bare it. When he was pleased with me, he would release my gag just before he came and I would take him in my mouth  in a frenzy like a beggar who hasn’t eaten for months.

After some months of this I think I was beginning to worry about the psychological effect this kind of sex was having on me. I was enjoying it, in fact I would say I was getting addicted to it; but it was also making me question who I was, and indeed my value as a person beyond sex. And then he suggested that we change roles…

For me to play the dominant one was such a change in our sex life and in our whole relationship that I must admit I was very bad at it at first. I felt very nervous and insecure. But in surreal conversations over breakfast and at the supermarket, Thomas made it clear he wanted me to keep trying. And so I did.

The key once again was to go shopping… As Thomas was keen, he let me use his credit card and I went to a sex and lingere shop where I kitted myself out in the most extreme, badass dominatrix attire I could buy, complete with tassels, sharp studs and high heeled boots. Getting dressed in it helped me to get into character; or perhaps more honestly to find the hardcore dominatrix bitch within me.

Thomas didn’t like extreme pain which was just as well because I wouldn’t have felt comfortable inflicting that on him. My tastes include some aspects of S&M, but only to a limited degree. What Thomas did like though was to be totally dominated and to some degree humiliated. During the peak of this phase of our relationship a typical scene would go something as follows:-

After dinner I would order him to go and have a shower and return to the living room naked. By the time he returned I would have dressed up and we would both fully assume our roles. I would make him kneel in front of me and walk around him, inspecting the goods and chastising him sternly. He was not allowed to reply unless I gave him permission, and if he did speak out of turn I might use my riding whip across his buttocks…

“You didn’t wash behind your ears… You dirty boy… Yes, I called you a boy…” Slash! Whip!

Sometimes I would sit on his back and pretend to ride him like a horse, or rather…

“Bad doggie! Go faster doggie!”

While riding him I would expose my fanny and rub it up and down along his back while gently massaging his buttocks or lightly whipping them. Then I would order him to lick me but he was not allowed to get off his hands and knees so he could only lick my boots and my stockings. Then…,

“Bark!” I would order, “Bark like a real dog! Bark louder! No! Not woof, woof; you imbecile! Howl! howl like an animal… Go on that’s better… Now look, the door is opening… Your mother is there… She can see you for the animal you are! Oh look, there is your boss! What does he think of you now? Bark! Howl! Go on! You are not a person you are an animal… A really stupid animal!”

“You want to fuck me don’t you? You want to fuck me like an animal! Well you can’t. I want a man, not a pathetic little boy who thinks he’s a dog! I want a real man, not a stupid creep like you! Stand up… Stand up now!”

Then he would sheepishly stand up straight. I would walk around him, stroking and prodding him fairly gently with the tip of my whip, finally focusing my attention on his erect penis. Eventually I would take his cock in my hand and begin to work, pulling and massaging, gently at first but ever more vigorously. All the time I would berate him in various ways, telling him he was not good enough for me or for anybody. Some of the insults could be quite deep and hurtful based on things I knew he was sensitive about. At the same time I would begin to squeeze the base of his cock and all around his balls; not quite actual torture but far more than playful. And then just when he was about to explode with cum I would stop completely and give him tasks to do.

“Sing me a song!”

“Dance for me.”

“Pour me a drink!”

“Light my cigarette!”

“If you cum before I have finished this cigarette, that’s it for tonight. We don’t speak until morning and you can sleep on the sofa!”

And that was it really. I’d leave him standing there, aching for sex but being denied it until I was quite ready and he was ready to explode. I would then give him precise instructions about how I wanted him to fuck me and if he carried them out exactly we would both be satisfied, and if not I would punish him with the whip and an early end to the “session”.

I enjoyed it for a while, for quite a few months even. I was fascinated and slightly disturbed to explore this darker side of my persona. But ultimately I got bored. My initial attraction to Thomas was based on the fact that he was the experienced one and I could trust him to take control while I was the more inexperienced and submissive one. But he could never go back to that. Once he had discovered Sophie the dominatrix that was all he ever wanted me to be. But I knew I couldn’t be happy just playing that one role and only expressing the darker more controlling side of myself. So we split up. I had grown a lot. He hadn’t.

Well, I’ll stop there. Writing these things down does make me think and re-examine things. It is a kind of therapy I guess. Since that time I have had a lot of long and short term relationships; not all of them so intense. After Thomas I knew I had it within me to be both the total sub or the total Dom. But often neither extreme is necessary. One of the reasons Cassie and I get on so well is that we are quite similar in that respect. But I will leave it to her to say more. It is her turn next.

Tumblr Picks 2 Cassie’s Choice

Following on from our last post in which Sophie picked out some Tumblr posts she had chosen for me, here are some posts that I originally picked for Sophie. How we go about choosing such images was explained in the previous post. We are reposting them here as an insight into us and because it is fun. We have tried to stay within the parameters that are acceptable to WordPress (our actual Tumblr site is much more X rated) however, although the first few images here are quite tame and inoffensive there will be some that are certainly Not Safe For Work. If you are likely to be offended by images which have some sexual and/or Satanic content please do not linger. For for those who are still here,,, Enjoy!


We both love Autumn and Autumn scenes. It is a magical time of the year in every way. We don’t actually publish many of these kinds of scenes on our Tumblr blog because we generally go for naughtier things, but it is fair to say that this photo says as much about Sophie’s soul as some of the more specifically NSFW things.

2) image

We both like the imagery of people “wearing their horns”. In the privacy of our own home and out in the woods we have been known to dress up in a similar way for certain rituals. It is a symbol of what we stand for and how we have changed since becoming Satanists. It is also very much a link back to nature, a recognition of being human animals and identifying with the primal horned God of the forests.

3) image

Following on from the “Horns” theme, I chose the above image because it reminds me of our daughter. She has recently become a Satanist herself or to put it another way she has chosen to take a bite of the forbidden apple and we are very proud of her for doing do.

4) image


Sophie and I are both quite heavily inked and would admit that tattoos are one of our shared fetishes. We like the above image because of the contrast between the innocence and naturalism of the model and the tattoos she has. Very interesting and sexy.

5) image


I knew Sophie would like the above image because it is simply beautiful and classy. It also has some connection to the 20s theme I will explain later.

6) image


We are both fans of the artist Egon Schiele. Some people find his paintings of women brutal. We just find them honest and respectful and there is a lot of tenderness there too.



I chose this because it looks like, or could actually be Sophie on one of our naughtier Sunday breakfasts!

8) image


If I hadn’t chosen the above image for Sophie, she would have chosen it for me. We know each other’s tastes and we both find that image incredibly sexy.

9) image


One of the things we have found we have in common since we have been together is a taste for 1920s fashion and style. This shared enthusiasm has developed into quite a fetish.

10) image


Beautiful tattoos and a beautiful body; what else is there to say? Oh yes we both like red heads and while we can’t claim it is natural we have spent long chunks of our adult lives with red hair.

11) image


We have both always quite liked snakes, even before their symbolism took on new meaning for us. We are pretty good with spiders too now!

12) image


It’s the 20s theme again but this time combined with lesbianism and a slight reference to BDSM. Very us.



This is a still from a very sexy video clip I found. I am not going to explain every element of the symbolism here, but it has elements of satanic and magical ritual as well as obvious lesbian interest. Mostly it conveys the pleasure of letting go of conventions and allowing yourself to enjoy your true self. That sounds far too technical. Put it another way; Sophie and I cream our pants watching it!

Something New, Cassie &Sophie NSFW

Cassie & Sophie NSFW


The reason this blog may have unexpectedly popped up among those you are following although you don’t remember subscribing to it, is that it occupies the space that was once Cassie Being Cassie. That blog is finished although you should still be able to find all that was once posted there in the archives of this blog. The post before this one will explain why CBC finished.

We are two politically incorrect women who live together in Switzerland. We already have two blogs; Devils Advocates which is about Satanism and Smokers Writes which is about what the name implies. In this blog we want to write about anything else that comes into our heads which doesn’t specifically fit into our other blogs. We also want to use this as a place to reblog anything we find interesting.

In case you don’t know, NSFW means not safe for work, in other words this is an adult blog that will certainly discuss themes and may include imagery that is not meant for anybody under the age of 18 (and could be embarrassing to have on your monitor screen while you are working).

We will certainly discuss sex here. Probably quite a lot. If such things offend you, it is time to tune out. We are a bisexual/lesbian couple and advocates of GLBT rights so if those things make your blood boil, stay healthy and stay away. Our philosophy is Satanism, we are interested in the occult and we practice witchcraft and while we welcome intelligent and open minded conversation on those subjects we do not welcome insults or idiots so if that would be your intention don’t waste your time here. We drink, we smoke and we fuck. If anything in that last sentence upsets you, this is probably not a blog for you. We have eclectic tastes and views on art, music, culture and politics. If you don’t share those interests you are going to get bored here. And finally in case it wasn’t clear, this blog is for adults only so if you are not one of those please go away now. (Seriously, we’ll tell your mum!)

Is there anybody left???

If so, you are very welcome and we hope you enjoy your stay.

New Home


Sophie and I have a flat. We are living together. We have a joint bank account. We are actually “Melded” or registered at the local municipality headquarters as a couple. It has been in the planning for a long time and now the reality has caught up and it feels normal and good.

There have been a lot of small details to sort out and some more complicated issues, and all this while I have been running around Europe doing my normal work and Sophie has been reorganising her department at school and marking semester papers… I have no idea how we pulled it off!

But we did and our over-riding feeling at the end of our first day at “home”, was that it was meant to be.

Of course shopping for furniture and decorating everything according to our tastes has been a lot of fun and we are nowhere near finished yet. In fact our living room is minimal to the extreme! (It will not stay that way for long). We gave priority to our bedroom and Tina’s bedroom. We pretty much gave Tina carte Blanche to decorate her room as she wanted because it is very important that she feels totally comfortable in her new home. We wondered if there would be some settling in problems; after all the reality of her mother and another woman setting up home together is quite different to the occasional visits she has witnessed previously. But Tina has been a total star and just as excited as us and when it comes to decorating her room she has much better taste than I did at her age.

Although in many ways this move is just a development of things that have been happening for a long time, it is in reality a big step for the three of us individually and it is important to me that we each feel positive about it, and I think I can safely say we do.

It’s odd. I have had a lot of boyfriends in the past and lived together short term with a couple of them; once at his place and once at mine. I guess those relationships felt serious enough at the time, well I know they did… But this is completely different and not just because we are both women, in fact we still don’t really think of ourselves as a lesbian couple as such although I guess we are. No, it’s just that everything about this move and this relationship is on a different scale than anything I have known before… And yet it all fits like a glove. It was meant to be.

So, the bedrooms are more or less done. Sophie and I have a small en suite shower room with a bide. We also have a small alcove joining the bedroom which we have made into shrine/ritual chamber and repository for our “spiritual” books. There is a family bathroom which is all finished. We have a small fitted kitchen that doesn’t need any more work. But there is still a lot to be done in the living room and dining area, the entrance hall and a small extra room which is full of boxes at the moment… And I still have a lot of books, clothes and ornaments to bring over from the UK… But we don’t need to rush..

Meanwhile life goes on as normal. I have a new home which means a lot to me but I still won’t actually be at home any more often than I used to get home to the UK. I am still traversing Central Europe teaching, training and promoting for my company. I will also be returning to the UK as often as finances allow to visit my mum. But going home now will have a different meaning. As much as I love our new apartment it isn’t the building itself that I will miss while I’m working so much as the people who share it with me; my new family, the people I love the most in this world.

Oh and actually there are four in our family now… We promised Tina a new pet but apartment life is not good for dogs or even cats really… Sophie and I had toyed with the idea partly to celebrate our darker tastes and underline the fact that some of our childhood fears had turned to adult fascination… But it was our mini naturalist daughter who insisted… We have insisted that Tina takes care or the feeding (which I’ll admit to being slightly squeamish about)… So anyway, meet Sam!


Why do we have sex?


It seems like an easy question with an obvious answer which we should all have worked out by now… Why do we have sex? But I’m not so sure the answer really is so obvious; or at least, I think the obvious answers are just the tip of the iceberg.

Clearly as a species like all other animals we are predisposed to wanting and liking sex in order to procreate and keep the human race going. But equally clearly this is not what motivates us to have sex all or even most of the time. I must have had sex or engaged in sexual activities thousands of time by now but I never once desired or intended to get pregnant as a result and I don’t think any of my partners intended for that to happen either. Moreover there are millions of gay people who are passionately attracted to people of the same sex while knowing that their sexual activity cannot result in procreation. This does not diminish their lust or desire at all.

The next big reason given for having sex is that it is an expression of love. I am sure that is often true and I do think that some of the best sex I have ever had was with people I was in love with. The bond of love certainly gives a new dimension to having sex, it opens many doors to pleasure, trust and understanding and the emotional connection can be magnified many times by making love. Loving sex can be a beautiful, transcending experience as a millennia of poets have been trying to put into words. But… I am sure I am not the only one who has also had amazingly satisfying sex with people whom I was not in love with. Indeed sometimes I have had great sex with people who in all honesty I didn’t even like very much, people with whom “love” might actually have been a hindrance. The idea that sex is only about love or can only be pleasurable within a loving couple type of relationship is actually a complete fallacy.

So if it is not all about procreation or love, perhaps it is just about pleasure; about fun. Most of us do find sex pleasurable after all. Well yes and I have known a few people (mostly men it must be said) who would be happy to leave it at that. Fucking is fun, it’s the best natural high we can get… But there are a lot of things that are fun and very few of them seem to hold quite the same sway over us as sex in all it’s forms, or to have the same degree of psychological impact. Even when sex is bad it affects us at a very deep level, indeed unwanted or forced sex; rape, can be devastating.

In my opinion sex is largely about psychology. I am not a psychologist so I don’t pretend to know all the processes involved but I do know from experience that sex is far more than love, fun and procreation. And I’m the kind of person who wonders about things; fetishes for example…

Now some fetishes are obviously sexual and it wouldn’t be hard to interpret them as variations on our basic instinct to desire sex. But why are some people turned on by the sight and smell of rubber? Can such a fetish really be traced back to a primordial instinct to procreate? Are those who derive sexual gratification from dominance or submission (or both) merely imitating the actions of their cave dwelling ancestors or is something deeper going on? What aspect of love or basic instinct leads some people to get sexually turned on by the sight of others smoking or the feel of hot wax on their bodies? Why do some people enjoy a much higher degree of pain than most? Why do some people get sexually aroused by completely un-sexual objects, modes of attire or situations? Why are high heels sexy to some? Okay, I can see there may be some residue of the instinctive desire to fuck at the root of many of these things, but what does the fact that these instincts have got so bound up in other things tell us?

Well I think it is all about psychology. I think sex opens up gateways and routes to our deeper selves. As such sex is a powerful tool for self discovery and self improvement. Perhaps it is a sweeping statement, perhaps it is a personal prejudice but personally I find people who lack sexual experience or who shy away from anything much beyond the missionary position to be quite shallow in other aspects of their life. Conversely I find those who are more open, experienced and experimental in their sex lives to be generally wiser and more rounded and grounded in other aspects of life.

I think sex helps us to learn and grow as people. It teaches us psychology at a deep level. It helps us to know and understand ourselves and others better particularly if we are willing to explore our darker sides as well as the light. Sex makes us more whole as individuals and more understanding in relationships and as members of communities.

All of the above may be fairly obvious, it’s just that it isn’t always said. For thousands of years and still today in many parts of society everything about sex was controlled by religious authorities. Sex could be about procreation and love but only within certain parameters supposedly set by god but actually enforced and ministered by men. As religious influence waned it became acceptable to talk about sex in less dogmatic terms. In the sixties it seemed to become almost exclusively about pleasure without a great deal of responsibility or understanding.

And now perhaps it is time to say sex can be about more than love, fun or procreation. It is a valuable part of our growth and development as responsible people. Indeed these other aspects of sex can be reason enough to indulge in it and enjoy it.

Evolution of identity and sexuality

(Warning, this post is probably far less scientific and far more personal than the title implies)!

I am fascinated by other people and how they come to be the way they are. All the people I know best have been through many changes in their lives and yet in some ways they remain essentially themselves. There are some people I haven’t seen in nearly a decade and they may have had a family, got married or divorced in the meantime or been through other life changing episodes of life. Their views on some things may have changed but they are essentially the same person I always knew. When you think about it that is pretty strange and remarkable. It raises questions about what it is that essentially makes “us”, “us”. I guess the same s true for me…

Would the sixteen year old Cassie recognise the person I have become? Would the Cassie of just a few years ago know or like the person I am now?

Sixteen year old me might actually be less surprised about some of the changes in my life than a more recent version. I was hungry for life and experience then and pretty fearless. I don’t think sixteen year old me would be shocked to hear that I had a steady girlfriend now although at the time I was at the start of an enthusiastic quest to sample as many people as possible, and I while it was only about a year from my first sexual experience with another woman; men and their dangly bits were uppermost in my mind!

In my late teens I was more sensible and worldly wise than some of my peers, but I was still prone to experimenting with things that an older me might not contemplate. I went through a slightly druggy phase and had my share of boyfriends who were mad, bad and dangerous to know! My poor Mum had to put up with all of this and help me pick myself up on the few occasions where I crashed. But I was always very spiritual and I think the sixteen year old me (who was flirting with Taoism and witchcraft at the same time) would be more open minded about where that path had lead than the me of a few years ago…

I think 29 year old Cassie kind of thought she had things sussed and was quite set in her ways. She was fiercely Pagan and looking to settle down with Mr Right and raise a family. I think she’d be a bit shocked to discover that just a few years later she’d be writing a blog about Satanism and be in a serious relationship with another woman. At a deeper level I think she would be most surprised that present day Cassie thinks of herself as more lesbian than bisexual.

I guess I am of course still bisexual. There are still men I fancy. I can still be aroused by images of good looking men with big willies… But something has changed… In terms of sex and romance I am now more comfortable with women. I actually prefer women. I am more turned on by women than men. Significantly so… I am not particularly into the politics of lesbianism, but emotionally and sexually I am now certainly more interested in women than men. I don’t particularly like labels but when pushed I always used to strongly identify as bisexual rather than anything else (some of my old blog posts bare witness to that). But now, if people were to describe me as a lesbian I wouldn’t be offended or feel the need to clarify. In most of the ways that people understand that word; that is what I am.

I think the younger versions of myself would still recognise me though; and hopefully still like me. Yet I am quite different. And it really is a puzzle how I or anybody else can be so different and yet remain essentially the same person. Future me will no doubt have been through even more changes, her life might be very different to the one I have now, but I think I’ll still recognise her. I am sure there will be something in her which is uniquely myself. But what that thing is (in any of us) I really don’t know.