This is not the end of my blogging and certainly not the end of my writing, but it is the end of this blog. It is a slightly bitter sweet moment for me. Bitter because I have enjoyed writing Cassie Being Cassie and it has charted a significant period of my life. The actual process of writing this blog has helped me to reflect on my life and refine my opinions and in that way has helped me to grow as a person. I have also challenged myself as a writer to be honest and explore issues close to my heart. I don’t think I have become a great writer or even a great blogger but I have seen improvements or just changes which please me. This blog also became my gateway into the world of blogging through which I have come to read and know many great people from diverse backgrounds who continue to impress and influence me. I will continue to follow their blogs and I hope they may continue to follow my other projects.
Yet this is also a sweet moment because as an end it also marks a beginning and a point in my life where I know more clearly who and what I am and where I am going. And the fun part is I am not at all where and what I expected to be!
I started this blog as an experiment; a chance to write and express myself in a new way, a new medium. I had no idea how the blog would develop or what it would really be about. It was full of random thoughts and ideas. I had a vague notion that people might be interested to read about the everyday life of somebody who called themself a Pagan and a Witch. I thought others might be interested in my travels, I expected to write more about my musical and artistic interests than I actually did and, closer to the bone, I needed a place to occasionally talk about my mother’s losing battle with dementia. All of those subjects were indeed discussed but a quick look at the tags and subject headings I have used reveals there was a lot more about sex, sexuality and relationships than I had envisaged and that while remaining central to my lifestyle my spiritual path and life as a witch evolved quite a lot.
As my life went on and my blog evolved there were two events that stood out in terms of being life changing and altering the nature of this blog. The first of course was meeting Sophie. From the start of this blog I was open about being bisexual but even so, while I thought I might write about my sexual adventures with men and women as a single girl, I still fully expected to end up with a man and probably have children by now. Two years ago I met Sophie and all that changed.
Those who read my last blog entry will know that Sophie and I have now set up an apartment together in Zurich. It has been a busy time but very rewarding and I can say that without doubt in terms of love and sex I am in a totally different situation and mindset now. I am bisexual by nature, I couldn’t change that any more than I could change my blood group. However I no longer have any hesitation in saying that I am fully and unequivocally lesbian by choice. I love Sophie and feel loved by her more than I thought it possible to love and I truly hope the rest of my life will not be just Cassie being Cassie, but Cassie and Sophie living life together. I also love Sophie’s daughter and I cannot explain the depths of joy it gives me to be accepted as a significant person in her life. Having a child of my own would not give me any greater satisfaction. Sophie and I have talked about the possibility of me having a child… Of course there are ways in which it could happen… Just as obviously there have been times when I wanted to become pregnant and give birth to a child of my own. But for all sorts of reasons, not least being the beautiful family I already have, I have both decided and fully accepted that childbirth is one of life’s wonders that I will not experience in this lifetime. Sophie and Tina are more than enough for me and being Tina’s second Mum is as much a privilege as having a child of my own. I don’t want and do not intend to have any other children. Period.
The other big change in my life came to a head at about the same time I met Sophie and that was the change in spiritual direction; becoming a Satanist. I could have done that very secretly and privately and perhaps in terms of Satanic philosophy that would have made more sense. But since I was already publicly blogging about witchcraft and my pagan lifestyle it would have seemed dishonest and deceitful not to mention such a fundamental change in my perspective. Moreover I felt then and I still do that Satanism is a very misunderstood and badly represented religion and philosophy. For many people it will always be associated with evil and depravity. But it isn’t that and I found myself in a position to say so out loud…
I hesitated at first. In fact I deleted my original ” coming out as a Satanist” post. When I did talk about it publicly here I lost some followers and I lost some friends off line too. But I found new followers here and on my Devils Advocate blog, and made a lot more friends and connections in the Satanic community and amoung open minded people in general. I have no regrets. I admit that Satanism is as much a cause as a religion to me and I am prepared to be open and public about it in the hope that my small voice may challenge a few misconceptions. Part of the reason for bringing this blog to an end is so that I can concentrate what little writing time I have at the moment on my Devils Advocate blog. Quite simply, that is where my writing and spiritual priorities are.
Of course I am happy that Sophie has also become a Satanist and embraced it as fully as me. It makes some aspects of our life together easier and more fulfilling; but it was never inevitable and it was never a deal breaker. Even if she had remained a Buddhist or if I had remained a Pagan the most important thing is that we found each other.
I have no regrets about Cassie Being Cassie. I have no regrets about the aspects of my life I have shared with readers over the past few years. I have been brash. I have been naughty. I have been thoughtful. I have been silly. I hope I have been kind and helpful sometimes. I have had adventures. I have had affairs. I have had a few triumphs and made a few mistakes. I have tried to be honest and I have certainly been politically incorrect! And I have done all these things a bit publicly, albeit in front of a readership I have largely come to regard as friends.
But that was Cassie Being Cassie, or perhaps Cassie Being Single.
And now things have changed.
Above all things Sophie and Tina are my priorities now. I feel the need to draw more of a veil of privacy around my family as we move forward together. This is the best thing that has ever happened to me but our challenges and adventures from now on will be private and personal.
I do of course have some regrets about saying goodbye to this particular blog. I have recorded some memorable and interesting personal times here. The fact of blogging about some things was in itself cathartic and added to the memories and impressions of the last few years. I also appreciated the space to vent my views about everything from pornography to smokers rights, politics, travel, art and music. I think I will miss that a lot and may incorporate some of those types of post into my other blog.
I will continue to write about Satanism in Devils Advocate.
Sophie and I will continue to post erotica (Okay, porn!) art and Satanic imagery on our Tumblr site.
I can still be found under the name Cassie Wren on Facebook (although I rarely post there).
Sophie and I may start a new more obviously themed and less personal blog here at WordPress sometime in the future.
I will continue to follow all those bloggers I follow now; you all mean a lot to me.
I can actually remember the first post I wrote here. I was sitting in the living room of my Mum’s house hunched over my laptop. Mum was sitting in an armchair across from me watching the TV. In those days we could still talk to each other; she used to forget the occasional word and was lost when it came to computers or any new technology, but in most respects her dementia hadn’t really taken hold. She couldn’t understand what I was doing on the computer but we could still chat about the things that I guess most mothers and daughters discuss. I cherish those memories and the times of just being together. Then the dementia came in force and stole her from me in progressively large chunks. Now she is in a care home. She doesn’t know her own name, let alone mine.
I had always thought I would be with her til the end; that I could and should put my life on hold until hers was over. I went through changes and opportunities opened up. But I held back… Waiting…
Rightly or wrongly I have decided to stop waiting. In my head I know that is what she would have wanted, but my heart has been more difficult to convince.
As I move on with my new family I hope I can be somewhere near as good a mother to Tina as my Mum has been to me.
If you happen to pass by a collection box for Dementia research please put a few coins in the box. And meanwhile celebrate and enjoy every moment of healthy living you have.
Thank you for reading.
Cassie Being Cassie