Tag Archives: Life

All women are bisexual…Sexual Identity

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In my mid twenties it became important for me to assert my sexual identity as bisexual. It seemed to me it was either deny it or live it and I chose to live it. Some people don’t make a big deal about such things. I don’t think I made a big deal about it, but I did make a deal of it to some degree. I was kind of aware that many of my choices in life were slightly against the norm. I was a pagan, I was a witch, I hung out with artists and musicians, I had tattoos, I drank and smoked quite a lot and most of the people I chose to have as friends were similar in many ways to me. But while my life and lifestyle may have seemed to be a bit outside society’s norms, it was normal for me. I had always been equally as attracted to women  as I had been to men sexually. The choice aspect was simply whether to live as a bisexual or to deny that side of things to myself. There was always a rebellious part of me (which still very much exists) which wanted to be open and upfront about my sexuality to challenge those who still clung to what I believe to be archaic prejudices about sex, race and gender. And so I was pretty open about being bisexual and I made the most of the opportunities that opened out to me!

Over the years my feelings about my own sexuality and sexuality in general have fluctuated a bit. There was a time when I thought women might be just for fun while men might be for longer term relationships involving babies and such. Then I went through a stage where I could quite happily identify as purely lesbian. I am now in a very happy and stable relationship with Sophie. However what has become clear is that neither of us are really lesbians. Our sexual tastes have grown and developed as a couple but we are both very aware of being bisexual. Luckily we have very similar tastes in men…

In any case we are pretty much at an age now where we don’t really care much about what others think. We do our own kinky things together and sometimes with others and it’s nobody’s business but ours. But a couple of things lately made me think about this subject again.

My step-daughter has become sexually active in the last year and is probably rather more self confident and worldly wise than I was at her age. (Although I was pretty keen to experiment and quick to learn myself)! What kind of fascinated me about her view of things is the degree to which sexuality seems like a non issue to her. Or rather, bisexuality is a non issue. It’s as if for her bisexuality is the default position. Perhaps that is how it should be. Perhaps the fact that she has been brought up by bisexual parents is an obvious factor. But it just seems curious to me that something which I felt obliged to “come out” and make a bit of a stand about, is even more normal to her than it was for myself and Sophie at her age. I think it is a good thing of course.

Then there was a study published this week that states that “most women are bisexual or gay but very seldom straight”.  http://www.pinknews.co.uk/2015/11/05/most-women-are-either-gay-or-bisexual-but-never-straight-says-study/

The survey found that straight women were strongly sexually aroused by videos of both attractive men and attractive women – despite identifying as heterosexual. By contrast, women who identified as lesbians exhibited a much stronger sexual response to women than to men. Dr Rieger, the leader of the the study said,   “Even though the majority of women identify as straight, our research clearly demonstrates that when it comes to what turns them on, they are either bisexual or gay, but never straight”

The Pink News article also goes on to report another study which found that; ” 43% of people identify themselves as somewhere between exclusively homosexual and exclusively heterosexual – showing people increasingly see sexuality in a less polarised way.”

Well I think all of this is progress and it is all good. Indeed anecdotally I had come to the same conclusions myself. I have often said said that I think most people are somewhere on a spectrum of sexuality and very few people are exclusively one end or the other. I also believe that where we are on the scale can vary to some degree at different points of our life.

But there is something about these latest surveys that disturbs me. I don’t know what it is exactly. Partly it is because these results were published in various newspapers in a style that seemed mainly aimed at titillating the readers. In particular at titillating men. I also think there is a big difference between what turns people on in theory and what people’s sexuality actually is, a point which the first survey ignores. Also in part I think I resent scientists and the fullness of time being required to somehow legitimate feelings which are in essence perfectly normal and perfectly human. Perhaps I am just getting old!

Anyway I hope the main thrust of these reports is true and that our society is beginning to grow up about sex. My step daughter’s generation have inherited a lot of political, social and environmental problems which they will have to deal with. Hopefully they can at least enjoy full and happy sex lives in peace.

~Cassie~

New Year Postcards From Zurich

Sophie and her daughter, Tina,  met me at Zurich airport Sunday night. We went back to her place and had a lovely home cooked dinner. We had all brought each other presents so it was a bit like a second Christmas. After Tina had gone to bed Sophie and I chatted for hours and then we went to bed and played with some of the more adult presents we had given each other.

Monday (New Years Eve) after a lovely lay-in, Sophie’s daughter brought us breakfast in bed. Then the three of us went out and spent most of the day sightseeing in and around Zurich. We had dinner and spent the early part of the evening with Sophie’s Mum and then Tina stayed there while Sophie and I went down to the lake to see in the New Year.

Zurich

Lake Zurich was very pretty but also very crowded and at around midnight there was a spectacular firework display.

Zurich fireworks

The two of us then went on to an alternative/indie, slightly fetishy nightclub where we drank and danced and were thoroughly debauched until the early hours of the morning.

Zurichclub

Much of New Year’s Day went by in a hung-over haze punctuated with bedroom activities and food. In the Afternoon we collected Tina and the three of us spent the rest of the day being lazy, watching TV and eating.

On Wednesday we all went sightseeing  around Zurich again. Then we went to a big park where Tina could run around and play as much as she wanted. In the evening, Sophie hosted a house party where I was introduced to some of her closest friends. I was a bit nervous at first but it went well and we all enjoyed ourselves a lot. And drank a lot again!

Thursday we stayed home in the morning and I reluctantly packed my cases again. We had a lovely meal at a nice restaurant on the way to the airport. And then I flew home…

I am not sad though. After flashing my eyelids copiously at my boss a while back my first teaching contract of 2013 will be in….. Zurich!!! 🙂  So in a weeks time I am flying out a couple of days early so I can spend the weekend with Sophie before my course begins. And I will stay with Sophie during the week.

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The Accidental Lesbian

For the last few days I have been basking in the pleasure of having my girlfriend Sophie with me. We don’t get to spend time together as often as we would like since she is based in Zurich and I am either in the UK or galavanting around Europe. Previously we had only been able to spend time together in Zurich due to our work commitments and the fact that she is the mother of a nine year old daughter. For the past week she had some time off and her lovely mum volunteered to babysit. So it was the first time Sophie was able to visit me at my home and the first time we were able to enjoy and indulge ourselves without worrying about the needs or interruptions of her little girl (lovely though she is).

And we have had a lovely time. I have shown her all the local sights and we have had a lot of fun. But mostly it was a joy just to be together. We are in love. I am in love. I love Sophie. Sophie loves me. These phrases are so short and easy to write and yet they mean so much more than words alone can convey. I have been in love several times before but this time it feels different. It feels like a grown up love; a comfortable love; a life changing love. It is a love that may take me in directions I never imagined and may set the pattern for a good part of my life. A life that I now want to share with Sophie, always. Yes Sophie, I know you are reading this and I wish I could write poetry to express what I am feeling. But I know you know my deepest thoughts. I love you girl, I love your kinky socks!

My life has changed a lot this year though. I have to pinch myself to be sure it is all real. It seems impossible to believe that only six months ago I hadn’t even met Sophie.

“Oh yes I’m pretty sure my life was well within it’s usual frame, The day before you came..”

Six moths ago I was waiting for Mr Right to come along and father my children. That was the destiny I thought I had chosen. I’ve always been bisexual but quite honestly I assumed that when I found my lifetime lover he would be a man. A musician maybe, with dark rugged looks and insanely well hung! I am still bisexual. I can still appreciate and fantasize about men’s best attributes. And maybe there will still be more men in my love life. And yet…

One evening while Sophie was here we went to a nice little local pub. We were having a good laugh and getting quite drunk on Gin and Tonic and then we started kissing… It was just affection really… It seemed so natural and right… But when we looked up half the people in the pub were staring at us disapprovingly. Being a bit of a dope I didn’t quite get it at first. I thought they were just annoyed at our public display of affection. I could understand that. I have thought similar things myself sometimes and said (either openly or just in my mind) “Can’t you wait til you get home?” Maybe our kissing was a bit OTT in a public place… But of course it wasn’t really that. It was the fact that we were two women.

Their stares made us feel a bit uncomfortable so we drank up and left. It didn’t really dampen our spirits too much though. After a few more drinks at home we had the kind of sex that would no doubt have appalled half the people in the pub (and the other half would probably fantasize about).

I have never really understood what it would be like to only be attracted to one gender. And I guess I have even less understanding of why people fear any sexuality that is different to their own.

When I move in with Sophie (Yes Honey it is going to happen!) we will to all intents and purposes be a lesbian couple. I have never really been very drawn to lesbian lifestyle. To be honest I have had a few problems with lesbians in the past who were unable to accept my bisexuality. I think the fact that we are both bi will help us a lot.

Sophie and I have agreed that at least until we move in together ours will be an open relationship. It is nice to have that thought in the back of our minds but what we discovered is that actually neither of us have had any adventures with anyone else since we met. It may still happen, but…

Actually I have changed since I met Sophie. I don’t really feel any want or need for sex with anyone else. I am still bi (and always will be) but at present I find myself generally more attracted to women than men. (Sorry guys, nothing personal)! I notice women more… I notice the actresses more than the actors on TV. I have wistful thoughts about female singers (maybe my next groupy challenge)! And I even find myself drooling more over the women than the men in the occasional naughty magazines that might come my way… It seems my tastes are definitely going through a new phase a little more attuned to women than they were before.

Am I becoming a lesbian? No I still fancy men as well.  I’m still just Cassie being Cassie; I’m just not Cassie being single anymore. I am in a relationship that has quickly become both normal and important for me. The fact that my partner is a woman, a beautiful woman, is just the way things have worked out. It feels good to be making future plans as part of a team. Sophie and I will never be typical of anything and our relationship will defy a lot of other people’s prejudices and and expectations. But together, I know we are strong.

Aurora

Mysterious heavenly beauty.

Tragic Goddess

A myth taken from the Greek by Roman poets tells that one of her lovers was the prince of Troy, Tithonus. Tithonus was a mortal, and would therefore age and die. Wanting to be with her lover for all eternity, Aurora asked Zeus to grant immortality to Tithonus. Zeus granted her wish, but she failed to ask for eternal youth to accompany his immortality, and he became forever old. Aurora turned him into a grasshopper.

And Now this.

May the Gods grant peace to the dead, comfort to the bereaved and healing to the injured.

And may we all learn whatever needs to be learned to lessen the chances of such a tragedy happening again.

Changes

Regular visitors may notice that I have made some changes to the look and feel of my site. This is partly because I think it is good to ring the changes every so often anyway and partly to reflect and celebrate the changes that have been going on in my life recently. Those changes come under four main headings; relationships, the biological clock, work and spirituality.

Relationships.

As mentioned previously I now have a girlfriend. We live in different countries so won’t get to see each other as often as we would like. However this past weekend I managed to pay her a visit in Zurich and we had a lovely couple of days together. We were able to relax by the lake in the blistering heat but mainly we stayed at her place eating, drinking and the rest you can imagine… We did do a lot of talking though and set some boundaries for our relationship which we can both live with. We are both bisexual and we have both been in long distance relationships before which didn’t work out. We both started off by saying that we wouldn’t hold each other to any promises of romantic or sexual fidelity (given what can happen when people are living a thousand miles apart). But then we both have had experiences of being the one who was let down when a partner in another country found somebody else. So we decided to go further and say that we have a totally open relationship and we will definitely sleep with other people (probably men, since we’re both quite fond of them)! It may sound crazy but it makes sense to us for all sorts of reasons. I left feeling much more secure in this relationship actually. If ever a time comes when it is possible for us to actually live together in the same country we may change the rules. But for now, it really works for us this way.

The Biological Clock

I am 33 years old and for several years already I have been aware of the ticking of my biological clock. I wouldn’t say I was obsessed by it, but it has been a constant nagging and has affected decisions I have made about my life. In short I thought that if I was going to have children I should set about it soon and prioritize that factor when it came to making relationships with potential partners. I have now come to think that was silly. If I am supposed to have children, it will happen someday and if not it won’t. Perhaps more fundamentally I have come to the conclusion that it is not necessarily important for me to have children at all. The world is full of children, many who don’t have a home or a family at all. There is no biological reason for me to have children. Moreover I have come to feel that I can be happy, fulfilled and creative as a woman without bringing another child in the world. I have inwardly accepted that I probably won’t in fact have children of my own and I am comfortable with that. The biological clock no longer has any influence over my life.

Work

As I wrote recently, I have been offered a possibility for promotion at work. I am not yet sure if I will take this particular opportunity, however, I have come to recognize that I am ready for a step up of some kind. I want and need more responsibility and more money and there are several fields in which I can pursue my ambitions. This is another area where the biological clock no longer holds sway. I will be prioritizing work and career in my future decision making much more than I have done before.

Spirituality

A while ago in a post here I confided that I had been exploring Satanism and in fact had already begun to identify as a Satanist. This remains the case and in fact my beliefs have solidified and I now fully embrace Satanism as my chosen spiritual path and personal philosophy. I have already started another blog purely to reflect on the continuation of my path in Satanism; those who are interested can find it here (Link). Since then however, I have found that I have been kind of censoring myself here so as not to inflict my beliefs on people who visit this site and risk offending them. In reality though I can’t separate my spiritual life and beliefs from any other aspect of my life and of course there will be times when my personal brand of Satanism will influence and inform what I choose to write about here. I don’t want to have to censor myself on my own little space on the net; so while I am aiming to keep this blog as random and diverse as it already is, I will be more upfront and open about my Satanism from now on.

What am I doing right?

I don’t claim to have a particularly healthy lifestyle. I drink, I smoke, I’ll pay for organic food if I can get hold of it conveniently but I will pretty much eat whatever is put in front of me. I eat a lot of fast and convenience foods. I eat meat. I am happy to cook things in the microwave. Sometimes I snack a lot and eat on the run, while other times I am indulge myself with big meals in expensive restaurants. I don’t do any regular sports although I walk a lot and like swimming. I never go to the gym. I used to do ballet and jazz dance and still practice a bit but probably the most athletic/aerobic exercise I get these days is during sex; and that doesn’t happen every day!

I have been thinking about this because this week I was working with a born again health freak. We had to share a self catering apartment for several days while working in a remote part of Styria in Austria. She made me question my lifestyle because she seems to be the opposite of me. She is a lovely lady actually but looked pretty scornfully at me during breakfast as she tucked into a mountain of fresh fruit and yoghurt while I had a cereal bar, a ham roll and then snuck out for my coffee and cigarette. During the next few days I would have happily eaten out at restaurants or eaten out of tins or anything you could cook in the microwave. She, on the other hand, scoured the local shops and markets for fresh organic fruit and vegetables and prepared fresh salads of all descriptions every day. She was a great cook, or at least a great preparer of food, and I enjoyed many of the salads she prepared but they did not fill me up. She was also keenly into yoga (something I have always been interested in but lacked the time or commitment to take seriously). She walks a lot, even more than me, and occasionally goes mountain hiking. I don’t think she is interested in fitness or health clubs but she goes cycling and rides a horse. She doesn’t smoke and only drinks moderately.

On the surface it would seem that she should live to be well over a hundred and I should be on my last legs already! But it isn’t quite like that… Strangely and perhaps unfairly, I seem to be in much better shape than she is. We are approximately the same age but while most people think I look quite young for my age, I think that she could easily pass for being ten years older than she is. Frankly, her skin is in terrible condition. She has spots, blisters and blotches everywhere. She was complaining about that and I offered her some of my creams and cosmetics. She refused politely saying that she never used such products and that she only ever used balms that she made herself or bought in legitimate organic health stores. She also had a hacking cough (sounding much more like a heavy smoker than me) and again when I offered her some of the drug store medications I always keep with me she refused politely but forcefully; as if to take such things were an insult to a healthy mind and body. Yet, she doesn’t look healthy at all, and even psychologically she seemed much more harassable and susceptible to stress than me.

But why? I’d be the first to admit this doesn’t seem fair. I rather admire and respect her commitment to organic food, natural products, clean living and a healthy lifestyle but it doesn’t seem to be working for her. On the other hand I know my own lifestyle does not seem particularly healthy and yet I am fit and in good condition. What is going on here? What am I doing that is right? What is she doing that is wrong?

I think one of the things that keeps me in good physical and mental shape is that I am generally busy and active. Sometimes it is a bit too much and leads to mild stress, but overall I think it is good to be busy and to have both important and trivial things to occupy my mind. Writing and painting give me a valuable creative outlet, without which I think I would be much more stressed. I do meditate and have done for a long time; not in an elaborate way but in a practical way that helps me to calm my mind and focus when necessary; I think that is beneficial. I have a spiritual dimension to my life which I know is healthy for me, although it is hard to explain why. Perhaps practicing witchcraft gives a person a sense of power, control and security that is lacking if you don’t have a similar thing to fall back on? Generally though probably the healthiest thing I have going for me is a sense of balance and moderation. It’s a cliché but it’s true; “a little bit of what you fancy does you good!” I also don’t have guilt, which I think eats people up from the inside. That doesn’t mean that I don’t do things wrong or feel sorry about mistakes or bad things that I do; it is simply that I don’t let those feelings dwell and fester; I try to deal with them instead and make things right where I can. Of course, not being Christian or adhering to Christian values means I have less to feel guilty about in the first place!

For all her good intentions, my health freak colleague seems to lack balance. She seems to be so obsessed by a set of values she has adopted that she is blind to anything beyond that. She is oblivious to the fact that she is patently and obviously in poor health. She is so determined that her idea of “natural” is best that she does not avail herself of cures and remedies that are possible and normal in the twenty-first century. Moreover, I think her diet is probably lacking some essential vitamins and nutrients. As for what is going on in her mind, I don’t know her well enough to guess, but I suspect that she is not at peace with herself in some way.

This is all guess work and supposition of course and I am the last person anyone should turn to for health advice. However my conclusion is that spirituality has an impact on health and that balance is the key. If I am right, the good news for my colleague is that if she just got the balance a little better she might well live in good health well beyond her century!!

Trains

Lot’s of trains this week and next week while I visit (and give sample lessons in) a host of Austrian and German villages. This means I won’t have much internet access for a few days so probably won’t be able to post much here.

Meanwhile this is the kind of scenery I see everyday;- although not normally from the driver’s perspective… (On one of the German TV channels, they show these driver’s eye view of train journeys every night when the normal programs have finished instead of a test-card or a blank screen)!

See, there’s more to me than sex and spirituality!