Tag Archives: lifestyle

All women are bisexual…Sexual Identity

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In my mid twenties it became important for me to assert my sexual identity as bisexual. It seemed to me it was either deny it or live it and I chose to live it. Some people don’t make a big deal about such things. I don’t think I made a big deal about it, but I did make a deal of it to some degree. I was kind of aware that many of my choices in life were slightly against the norm. I was a pagan, I was a witch, I hung out with artists and musicians, I had tattoos, I drank and smoked quite a lot and most of the people I chose to have as friends were similar in many ways to me. But while my life and lifestyle may have seemed to be a bit outside society’s norms, it was normal for me. I had always been equally as attracted to women  as I had been to men sexually. The choice aspect was simply whether to live as a bisexual or to deny that side of things to myself. There was always a rebellious part of me (which still very much exists) which wanted to be open and upfront about my sexuality to challenge those who still clung to what I believe to be archaic prejudices about sex, race and gender. And so I was pretty open about being bisexual and I made the most of the opportunities that opened out to me!

Over the years my feelings about my own sexuality and sexuality in general have fluctuated a bit. There was a time when I thought women might be just for fun while men might be for longer term relationships involving babies and such. Then I went through a stage where I could quite happily identify as purely lesbian. I am now in a very happy and stable relationship with Sophie. However what has become clear is that neither of us are really lesbians. Our sexual tastes have grown and developed as a couple but we are both very aware of being bisexual. Luckily we have very similar tastes in men…

In any case we are pretty much at an age now where we don’t really care much about what others think. We do our own kinky things together and sometimes with others and it’s nobody’s business but ours. But a couple of things lately made me think about this subject again.

My step-daughter has become sexually active in the last year and is probably rather more self confident and worldly wise than I was at her age. (Although I was pretty keen to experiment and quick to learn myself)! What kind of fascinated me about her view of things is the degree to which sexuality seems like a non issue to her. Or rather, bisexuality is a non issue. It’s as if for her bisexuality is the default position. Perhaps that is how it should be. Perhaps the fact that she has been brought up by bisexual parents is an obvious factor. But it just seems curious to me that something which I felt obliged to “come out” and make a bit of a stand about, is even more normal to her than it was for myself and Sophie at her age. I think it is a good thing of course.

Then there was a study published this week that states that “most women are bisexual or gay but very seldom straight”.  http://www.pinknews.co.uk/2015/11/05/most-women-are-either-gay-or-bisexual-but-never-straight-says-study/

The survey found that straight women were strongly sexually aroused by videos of both attractive men and attractive women – despite identifying as heterosexual. By contrast, women who identified as lesbians exhibited a much stronger sexual response to women than to men. Dr Rieger, the leader of the the study said,   “Even though the majority of women identify as straight, our research clearly demonstrates that when it comes to what turns them on, they are either bisexual or gay, but never straight”

The Pink News article also goes on to report another study which found that; ” 43% of people identify themselves as somewhere between exclusively homosexual and exclusively heterosexual – showing people increasingly see sexuality in a less polarised way.”

Well I think all of this is progress and it is all good. Indeed anecdotally I had come to the same conclusions myself. I have often said said that I think most people are somewhere on a spectrum of sexuality and very few people are exclusively one end or the other. I also believe that where we are on the scale can vary to some degree at different points of our life.

But there is something about these latest surveys that disturbs me. I don’t know what it is exactly. Partly it is because these results were published in various newspapers in a style that seemed mainly aimed at titillating the readers. In particular at titillating men. I also think there is a big difference between what turns people on in theory and what people’s sexuality actually is, a point which the first survey ignores. Also in part I think I resent scientists and the fullness of time being required to somehow legitimate feelings which are in essence perfectly normal and perfectly human. Perhaps I am just getting old!

Anyway I hope the main thrust of these reports is true and that our society is beginning to grow up about sex. My step daughter’s generation have inherited a lot of political, social and environmental problems which they will have to deal with. Hopefully they can at least enjoy full and happy sex lives in peace.

~Cassie~

Thank You David Bowie

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There will be many tributes written to David Bowie today. This is just our small thank you.

David, thank you for being a major landmark in the landscape of our lives. In truth we were not your most devoted fans. We didn’t buy all of your records. We didn’t know all of your songs. But since we first started listening to music, buying music, going to gigs and hanging out with bands; you were always there in the background. You were a common point of reference in conversations with many people we have loved and admired. You were an inspiration to artists and musicians around the world and you will remain so. Your music and style touched us and almost everybody we knew. You were a ground breaker and the doors you pushed open made it easier for many to go through. You traveled your life with courage and originality which will continue to inspire. According to most accounts we are aware of, you were also a gentleman, kind to those you loved and generous to those who you could help and encourage. And finallly you left this world with dignity, an artist to the end.

If we had lived in a world that had not been graced by David Bowie, Cassie and I would have had much more difficulty in living our lives as we choose to. Virtually all aspects of our lifestyle would have generated controversy, resistance and hostility. The doors you pushed open made it much easier for people like us to live fully and authentically.

Thank you David Bowie. You are a star man. Always will be.

Sophie

Six Years Old!

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According to WordPress it is six years since I started this blog. A lot has happened and changed in six years!

Sophie and I have been writing this blog together for the last few years but she said this anniversary post should be by me. Below you can see my very first blog entry here. It makes me cringe a bit to read it now but I guess the person who made it is still a large part of the person I am. After that you can read a summery of our most popular posts with a few thoughts from me. the there are some nice and progressively naughty photos we have posted over the years. And then a few thoughts going forward.

So this was my first ever post. (I’ll blush in a corner while you read it).

Well I don’t intend to write something here every day but since I have half an hour spare and I want to put some meat on the bones of this blog I might as well write something while I’m sipping wine and smoking my last but one cigarette of the day…

The day started well. I woke up early and, well let’s say eagerly. Andy is staying over for a few days. We both travel a lot in our jobs and so the rare times we actually spend together are precious. Thus, the first few hours of the morning were, let’s say, energetic and satisfying! 😉 It left me with an energy buzz which, thankfully, has stayed with me through most of the day.

After Andy left to go off to a meeting in London,  I went round to my Mum’s. She wasn’t having a good day; very confused and forgetful and generally very frail. I took her for a walk and then cooked dinner for her. It worries me how much she depends on me and in a couple of weeks I’ll be working abroad for a couple of months again and I’m seriously concerned about how she will cope. I am trying to persuade her to get some help, but she is being very stubborn.

I am sure there are some who would think that if I am really a witch I should be able to do some quick magic spell to make her well again. I only wish life was that simple. That’s not to say I don’t try some things from time to time;- energy work mostly. However, in order to transfer positive and healthy energy to her I have to be careful not to absorb too much of her fear, frustration and depression. That is not so easy as I am an empath.

This afternoon I spent some time on my lap-top (mostly setting up this blog) and bullied Mum into going for another short walk for some fresh air. Then I stayed at her place watching TV untill she went to bed. Then I came home…

Andy will be back any minute and it will be nice to just snuggle for a while… Mind you I am hoping my last ciggie of the day will be a post coital one!

…I think I got my wish. Andy and I split up amicably not long after. It turns out that was my last serious relationship with a man. When I started this blog I described myself as bisexual and wrote quite a lot of posts on that topic. Now I guess I’m still bisexual but I identify more as a lesbian. Meeting Sophie and moving in with her has been one of the happiest and most significant changes of the last six years.

I’m still a witch but whereas I used to be quite passionately pagan, I am now even more passionately Satanist.

My mother’s deterioration and eventual death last year was the most difficult and saddest thing to bare during the last six years. It is something I am still coming to terms with.

Here is a list of our most popular posts according to WordPress.

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I think it is significant and somewhat pleasing that The Accidental Lesbian comes in at the top of the list, it is the one post that encapsulates the biggest change in my persona during the past six years.

There are several posts about smoking in the list. In fact we were writing on that subject so often that we started a separate blog for it.

I’m glad Little Talks by Of Monsters And Men made it into the list as our most popular musical post. It is still my favourites song of the last decade and has all sorts of personal meanings to me.

And regular readers will not be at all surprised that most of the other posts in the list are about various aspects of sex and sexuality. Funnily enough I think the Cassie of six years ago would have found that quite surprising.

And here are a few photos that I like from the last six years.

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Kissing

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Waterhouse Lady Of Shalott

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Inked Girls Gallery 143 (7)

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I am without doubt a darker and harder person than I was when this this blog began but I am far more secure and happier in my own skin.

My lover is my life partner. I have a daughter whom I love as much as if she had come from my own loins.

I don’t know what will happen to this blog in the months and years to come but the story of Cassie and Sophie will continue.

My introduction to kinkier sex

BY SOPHIE

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Cassie and I have decided to speak candidly about aspects of our sex lives here. She has already explained some of the reasons why, and there are others which we won’t go into. One thing we haven’t mentioned yet however and which we may explain more fully sometime is that we both feel that sex is a gateway into the psychology of ourselves and others. It is a way to know and express yourself in a unique way. It can be both therapy and the deepest pleasure. With that in mind I will continue. I will admit I am a bit shy of exposing this much of myself publically but I will try…

I was was a nice girl. Good at school. Polite. Well behaved. And perhaps I still carry some of those aspects with me, but I also had a darker side, a part of me that wanted to go against the grain of how people saw me. I think I looked younger and more innocent than I felt I was. I was well educated and had a pretty singing voice, so I rather liked swearing and smoking so much my voice became deep and husky. My skin was clear and in good condition so I was keen to cover it in tattoos. I was pretty and nice and kind and expected to settle down with a nice boy so I slept around and went looking for the bad boys although actually the ones I found weren’t really bad at all. Part of this was just typical teenage rebellion, but partly I was trying to find and be my true self.

In my early sex life I think I sacrificed deeper more meaningful relationships for more experience of sex. I didn’t admit it, even to myself. I played the part of the nice girlfriend but always found reason to dump the nice boys. They were lovely, I could genuinely speak for hours about how nice they were. But sexually they didn’t satisfy me. A few of them experimented with padded hand-cufs and that got me interested for a few moments; but they didn’t know what they were doing.

Then I had my first girlfriend. That was different. That was very nice at first. She was a little older and wiser than me and I liked that. But even she ultimately disappointed me in bed. We split up when I was twenty and I went several months without a lover. I even stopped masterbating, I thought I had devoted too much time and energy to sex and should concentrate more on my studies and making platonic friends and being nice to my family. And then I met the man we shall call Thomas.

Thomas was exactly twice my age. He had been married. He was an artist and musician. He knew things. He had life experience. He swept me off my feet. The first time we slept together I knew I was dealing with somebody totally different to anybody I had been with before and that excited me. Even that first time he did things that none of my other lovers had ever dared. I knew from then it was going to be an education.

One of the things that impressed me in the early days with Thomas was that he was genuinely interested in what turned me on and took the trouble to find out. Not only in the bedroom itself; he took me shopping. We went to various sex shops, places I had never been to before. We bought various toys and magazines and most importantly for me at the time I bought a new sex wardrobe. I experimented with lace and leather and rubber. I began to learn for myself what I felt sexy in and how dressing up could add spice to our sexual antics.

He took the lead in matters of sex. I was happy with that because in most previous relationships I was always somehow in control. It was good to play a more submissive part but over a few months it became clear that I was not just being the more submissive of the two… He was the Dom and I was the Sub; fully and truly. I read up about it. I played my part well. I enjoyed it. And ever more elaborate forms of bondage came to play an increasing part in our sex games.

He was good with ropes and knots. After some experiments we found different ways to bind me that were tight and controlling but not too uncomfortable. I don’t enjoy being bound so tightly that it burns or hurts although I do sometimes like there to be some marks afterward. What came to be our favourite position saw me bound in a crouching or kneeling position on the floor or on the bed or a table with my hands tied behind my back. The finishing touch was fixing a ball gag in my mouth… I am an articulate person in three languages; not being able to speak any of them was frightening, and yet exciting. All I could do was grunt and moan and very quickly I would be drooling uncontrollably. I felt like I was being reduced to my most basic, animalistic self. Sophie with all education and sophistication removed and with only the primal instinct to fuck remaining. And then he would have his way with me, often making me wait, teasing and deriding me. Sometimes he spanked me with his hands or with paddles, sometimes he would tickle me with a riding whip or whip me harder like a disobedient horse. By this time I would be desperate to feel his cock inside me, and I didn’t mind where; but again he would make me wait until I almost couldn’t bare it. When he was pleased with me, he would release my gag just before he came and I would take him in my mouth  in a frenzy like a beggar who hasn’t eaten for months.

After some months of this I think I was beginning to worry about the psychological effect this kind of sex was having on me. I was enjoying it, in fact I would say I was getting addicted to it; but it was also making me question who I was, and indeed my value as a person beyond sex. And then he suggested that we change roles…

For me to play the dominant one was such a change in our sex life and in our whole relationship that I must admit I was very bad at it at first. I felt very nervous and insecure. But in surreal conversations over breakfast and at the supermarket, Thomas made it clear he wanted me to keep trying. And so I did.

The key once again was to go shopping… As Thomas was keen, he let me use his credit card and I went to a sex and lingere shop where I kitted myself out in the most extreme, badass dominatrix attire I could buy, complete with tassels, sharp studs and high heeled boots. Getting dressed in it helped me to get into character; or perhaps more honestly to find the hardcore dominatrix bitch within me.

Thomas didn’t like extreme pain which was just as well because I wouldn’t have felt comfortable inflicting that on him. My tastes include some aspects of S&M, but only to a limited degree. What Thomas did like though was to be totally dominated and to some degree humiliated. During the peak of this phase of our relationship a typical scene would go something as follows:-

After dinner I would order him to go and have a shower and return to the living room naked. By the time he returned I would have dressed up and we would both fully assume our roles. I would make him kneel in front of me and walk around him, inspecting the goods and chastising him sternly. He was not allowed to reply unless I gave him permission, and if he did speak out of turn I might use my riding whip across his buttocks…

“You didn’t wash behind your ears… You dirty boy… Yes, I called you a boy…” Slash! Whip!

Sometimes I would sit on his back and pretend to ride him like a horse, or rather…

“Bad doggie! Go faster doggie!”

While riding him I would expose my fanny and rub it up and down along his back while gently massaging his buttocks or lightly whipping them. Then I would order him to lick me but he was not allowed to get off his hands and knees so he could only lick my boots and my stockings. Then…,

“Bark!” I would order, “Bark like a real dog! Bark louder! No! Not woof, woof; you imbecile! Howl! howl like an animal… Go on that’s better… Now look, the door is opening… Your mother is there… She can see you for the animal you are! Oh look, there is your boss! What does he think of you now? Bark! Howl! Go on! You are not a person you are an animal… A really stupid animal!”

“You want to fuck me don’t you? You want to fuck me like an animal! Well you can’t. I want a man, not a pathetic little boy who thinks he’s a dog! I want a real man, not a stupid creep like you! Stand up… Stand up now!”

Then he would sheepishly stand up straight. I would walk around him, stroking and prodding him fairly gently with the tip of my whip, finally focusing my attention on his erect penis. Eventually I would take his cock in my hand and begin to work, pulling and massaging, gently at first but ever more vigorously. All the time I would berate him in various ways, telling him he was not good enough for me or for anybody. Some of the insults could be quite deep and hurtful based on things I knew he was sensitive about. At the same time I would begin to squeeze the base of his cock and all around his balls; not quite actual torture but far more than playful. And then just when he was about to explode with cum I would stop completely and give him tasks to do.

“Sing me a song!”

“Dance for me.”

“Pour me a drink!”

“Light my cigarette!”

“If you cum before I have finished this cigarette, that’s it for tonight. We don’t speak until morning and you can sleep on the sofa!”

And that was it really. I’d leave him standing there, aching for sex but being denied it until I was quite ready and he was ready to explode. I would then give him precise instructions about how I wanted him to fuck me and if he carried them out exactly we would both be satisfied, and if not I would punish him with the whip and an early end to the “session”.

I enjoyed it for a while, for quite a few months even. I was fascinated and slightly disturbed to explore this darker side of my persona. But ultimately I got bored. My initial attraction to Thomas was based on the fact that he was the experienced one and I could trust him to take control while I was the more inexperienced and submissive one. But he could never go back to that. Once he had discovered Sophie the dominatrix that was all he ever wanted me to be. But I knew I couldn’t be happy just playing that one role and only expressing the darker more controlling side of myself. So we split up. I had grown a lot. He hadn’t.

Well, I’ll stop there. Writing these things down does make me think and re-examine things. It is a kind of therapy I guess. Since that time I have had a lot of long and short term relationships; not all of them so intense. After Thomas I knew I had it within me to be both the total sub or the total Dom. But often neither extreme is necessary. One of the reasons Cassie and I get on so well is that we are quite similar in that respect. But I will leave it to her to say more. It is her turn next.

Lesbians seeking men?

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Things have been rather quiet and tame here for a while so I thought we should spice things up and do a definitely NSFW post!

A little context before the naughty bits. As those of you who follow this blog may know, Sophie and I did some paperwork and signed some forms recently confirming our status as a legally registered couple. We are as married as we ever want to be, and more importantly in our hearts and minds we are committed to living together and growing old together as a couple for as long as we are able to imagine. We have also made spiritual commitments to that effect and furthermore I am now legally registered as Tina’s guardian meaning that if anything should happen to Sophie I will continue to raise Tina as my daughter. So we are not just a lesbian couple; we are a complete family and we all love each other very much indeed.

Inwardly it is fair to say that both Sophie and myself have changed sexually and psychologically since knowing each other. We both used to describe ourselves as bisexual, indeed I was fairly strident about that. I felt that bisexuality was not understood very well or taken seriously by either the gay or the straight community. I still think that. However if anybody asked me today what my sexuality was I would answer without hesitation that I am a lesbian. Sophie would say the same. If one of us died the other could never contemplate having a long term sexual relationship with a man. We are lesbians. I never really thought I would say that of myself but it is true.

But that doesn’t mean we have lost all of our bisexual leanings. There are times when we fantasise about having sex with men. In the early stages of our relationship we were very open and both of us had occasional one night stands with men. That hasn’t happened for nearly two years now. Frankly those adventures didn’t impress us much and we realised we much preferred having sex with each other. We also began to be less and less sexually attracted to men and more and more attracted to women. That process disturbed us a bit at first but now we just accept that this is how we have grown and what we have become. And we have never been happier or more sexually charged. I can come just by thinking of the things Sophie and I do together and sometimes when we fuck I am pretty sure our lovemaking really does cause earth tremors!

But men are not completely out of the picture… There are things we miss about men and things that could still potentially turn us on. To do a bit of chauvinist role reversal, it’s their bits we miss, not so much the rest of them! We both certainly miss the taste and smell of semen. And sometimes when browsing our ever growing library of porn we find an image of a cock we that makes us wet ourselves…

So, we got to thinking… What about inviting somebody for a threesome? No commitment, no involvement; just find somebody who was up for a night of fairly mindless but full on sex with a couple of willing and horny lesbians. After all, it is the stuff that porno films are made of; what could go wrong?  We have both had impromptu threesomes once or twice in the past before we knew each other, but we have never planned such a thing in advance. This could be an adventure…

We were very sure about the kind of man we were looking for, perhaps that was our biggest mistake. We were looking for a beautiful body attached to a personality we would normally go out of our way to avoid. We wanted a man who was cock sure of himself and who could do the business in the bedroom but whom we would never want to see again… We were victims of our own success!

Neither of us have ever claimed to be well behaved ladies in all respects. We are open about liking sex and we both know how to turn it on when we want to. It was however the first time we had gone out on the pull together with such a specific aim in mind. That was actually a lot of fun.  We waited for a weekend when our daughter was away with her father and then put our plan onto action. We went cruising in a couple of well known pick up bars and it didn’t take long to attract exactly the kind of guy we thought we were looking for. He was very good looking and he knew it, he was arrogant as hell and expected all women to kneel down and beg for his body. We played along. He was boastful about all the women he had had and what he had done with them. We pretended to be impressed. He clearly thought that all women were basically whores and I’ll be the first to admit that our actions that night did nothing to change his opinion. We all got a bit drunk and we took him home.

(Before the story continues a disclaimer and a warning. Sophie and myself are grown up, sexually experienced women in our late thirties. I have had a lot of sex with a lot of people usually but not always within the context of a relationship. Even so I usually preach and practice safe sex especially with people you don’t know well… In the account that follows we clearly did not practice safe sex. This was a calculated risk that was acceptable to us in this situation but which we absolutely do not recommend to others.)

So we took our man home, drank some more and got undressed. When we pulled his pants down the cock that sprang to life was exactly what we were looking for, large, meaty and sweet to taste and smell. It certainly revived our  instincts and memories of hot heterosexual sex and we went to work right away. We took turns going down on him, licking and sucking with years of expertise before allowing him to fuck us in various ways, places and combinations. For him I think it was a dream come true (although he probably tells his mates that this sort of thing happens to him every day). He didn’t deserve his luck. He really didn’t.

Yes he had a large penis and it was beautiful to behold, and even to play with. Unfortunately it was attached to an idiot. His entire vocabulary was a mixture of groans, “yeah baby” and expletives that seemed to come from the very worst seventies porn movie, made in Sweden and dubbed into English by somebody from Bulgaria. I have been known to murmur , moan or scream words and phrases including “fuck me” in various tones while having sex, but to have somebody repeat the phrase, “I’m fucking you baby” (in case I wasn’t aware of the fact maybe?) in a monotone like a demented robot no matter what he was doing, I was doing or Sophie was doing; became a little distracting to say the least… And frankly Sophie and I have vibrators with more sensitivity and variety of movement than this dick came equipped with. He did have stamina though. We couldn’t fault him for that. No vary speed, but a long battery.

Okay. I enjoyed the first five minutes. We both did. And we got what we were looking for; a penis attached to somebody we didn’t want to be with. It’s just that the not wanting to be with him got intense very quickly. We played along for quite a while to be polite (after all we had invited him round).

The only thing that did turn me on was seeing Sophie being fucked by a man at close quarters. I had never seen or experienced my love having sex with a man before and there was something strangely erotic about that. She had the same feeling watching me. We realised this as things were happening but the problem was he was still there… We were getting horny for each other but he was just in the way…

So we told him to stop. He was annoyed and slightly aggressive. In order to stop things getting nasty we told him that he had worn us out. He kind of accepted that. But then wanted to stick around thinking we might recover and be ready for more after a rest. I began to have nightmares that he would never leave or at least want to stick around until breakfast. And I began to get very uncomfortable with the fact that he might remember where we lived if he saw it in daylight (we had come home by taxi in a drunken state). Our solution was to get him even more drunk and very stoned. By the time we pushed him into a taxi we were pretty sure he no longer knew what planet he was on and would have very little memory of anything that had happened.

It wasn’t our finest moment, but it was an important one.

For myself I admit that there was a certain amount of relief that I can still respond sexually to men if I want to. But there was also a deep realisation that I don’t really want or need to. Sophie felt the same way. I don’t think either of us felt very proud of our adventure that night and I suppose it is true that we deliberately picked a guy who was not typical of the kind of men we have had genuine feelings for in the past. But when he had gone we were relived. And despite having drunk and smoked as much as he had, if not more, we were clear headed and relaxed and we had long and blissful sex.

Don’t get me wrong. We don’t dislike men at all. Previously most of our sexual experience has been with men and those were some great times. And we still find men and their willies sexy sometimes. The above adventure was a bit of a mistake but quite amusing to look back on. It did however underline where we are at now emotionally and sexually.

I doubt that we will ever deliberately go out looking for a threesome with a guy again. Hmm, I don’t think either of us have ever had an all female threesome though…

Cassie

 

 

 

 

 

Something New, Cassie &Sophie NSFW

Cassie & Sophie NSFW

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The reason this blog may have unexpectedly popped up among those you are following although you don’t remember subscribing to it, is that it occupies the space that was once Cassie Being Cassie. That blog is finished although you should still be able to find all that was once posted there in the archives of this blog. The post before this one will explain why CBC finished.

We are two politically incorrect women who live together in Switzerland. We already have two blogs; Devils Advocates which is about Satanism and Smokers Writes which is about what the name implies. In this blog we want to write about anything else that comes into our heads which doesn’t specifically fit into our other blogs. We also want to use this as a place to reblog anything we find interesting.

In case you don’t know, NSFW means not safe for work, in other words this is an adult blog that will certainly discuss themes and may include imagery that is not meant for anybody under the age of 18 (and could be embarrassing to have on your monitor screen while you are working).

We will certainly discuss sex here. Probably quite a lot. If such things offend you, it is time to tune out. We are a bisexual/lesbian couple and advocates of GLBT rights so if those things make your blood boil, stay healthy and stay away. Our philosophy is Satanism, we are interested in the occult and we practice witchcraft and while we welcome intelligent and open minded conversation on those subjects we do not welcome insults or idiots so if that would be your intention don’t waste your time here. We drink, we smoke and we fuck. If anything in that last sentence upsets you, this is probably not a blog for you. We have eclectic tastes and views on art, music, culture and politics. If you don’t share those interests you are going to get bored here. And finally in case it wasn’t clear, this blog is for adults only so if you are not one of those please go away now. (Seriously, we’ll tell your mum!)

Is there anybody left???

If so, you are very welcome and we hope you enjoy your stay.

Home

Home

I seem to have found a buyer for my mother’s house. I admit I am conflicted about this news. On the one hand it is very good news. It was becoming imperative to find a buyer quickly before my Mum’s remaining funds run out and the sale will secure her care and financial situation for the foreseeable future. This is a big relief as I was getting worried about what would happen if I didn’t find a buyer and get the money in time. On the other hand it means I am really losing my family home which I have been using as a personal space and store room during the past couple of years. In all that time the idea of actually selling the place and having to move out completely seemed like a far off reality even as I was clearing the place out.

But now it really is happening and there is a lot to do fast and (because of the way the system works here in the UK) the pace is really being set by lawyers and things out of my control.

And the final traces of me and my Mum have to be removed from the building.

I have been feeling unusually stressed and even a bit depressed this week. Yesterday I went to visit my mum in the care home. She always seems happy to see me although I don’t think she really has any idea who I am any-more. She doesn’t really know who “she” is either. We don’t really have conversations now. I hold her hand and tell her what has been going on in my life. Sometimes she listens, sometimes she interrupts with whatever random thoughts are going through her mind. She doesn’t really understand what anyone is saying to her. When she speaks, disconnected words and sentences come out but I can no longer make any sense of it or even guess what she is trying to convey. She seems happy though. Insane, but happy…

And what is happening with the house seems to parallel what is going on in her mind. Bit by bit the memories are being moved out and pretty soon there will be nothing left.

I usually have no trouble in thinking positively about things, but this week it has been a bit of a struggle.

But I have to be positive.

I am glad that this summer I was able to enjoy six blissful weeks with Sophie and Tina in the house. The energy we leave the house with will be beautiful. And it will be engrained somewhere in the walls even after all the furniture is gone. All the happy moments from my childhood will continues to echo here and my mother’s love will keep the place warm and homely for whoever moves in next.

I will also take those memories with me as I move on.  My next home will be with Sophie and Tina and we will make it a warm and loving place and fill it with new memories. Meanwhile I will continues to visit the shell of my Mum in the care home as often as I can until she moves on too.